Seeing the growing impact porn was having on the lives of our clients and listening to their painful and touching stories, we knew we had to do something more to help them than we were able to do in our traditional practice. We began to research the issue and quickly found that the number of people with pornography-related problems was growing rapidly and their problems were becoming increasingly severe. What used to be a small problem for relatively few people had grown to a societal issue that was spilling over and causing problems in the lives of countless everyday people. We asked other therapists, especially sex and relationship therapists, about their experiences, and found that they had seen the same trend—seeing very few clients with pornography problems a decade earlier, but seeing it become a central issue in their practices today.
We began to look for articles and books that could help our clients, but found a lack of information we thought would be helpful. Research on pornography’s long-term effects has not been a priority in our society. Our culture tends to avoid discussing sexual issues openly and seriously. Most of the studies that have been done focus narrowly on relatively brief exposures to mild forms of porn, trying to determine whether pornography causes sexual violence. And none of the research included porn use in natural settings, where it is usually accompanied by masturbation. In addition, we found only a handful of studies that dealt with the effect of porn use on an intimate relationship or an intimate partner.
As sex and relationship therapists, we know that pornography use is a relationship issue. Porn affects the user’s inner life (the relationship he has with himself), as well as the interactions he has with his partner and other family members. Regular porn use often interferes with a person’s ability to maintain good self-esteem and experience mutually fulfilling sexual intimacy with a partner. Dealing with pornography is not solely about stopping a behavior or overcoming an addiction. It also involves reclaiming a sense of personal integrity and manifesting attitudes and behaviors that promote healthy sexual intimacy. Nothing we found in our research discussed pornography use and its repercussions with this type of emphasis.
Since we couldn’t find the kind of resource that we felt our own clients and others needed, we decided to write something that would fill in the gap. After many conversations with our colleagues and a thorough study of the professional literature, we began to put together a plan for The Porn Trap. We set out to write a book that would plainly and compassionately address pornography issues from a self-esteem and relationship-based perspective—presenting stories, ideas, and insights from real people who have dealt with porn problems, and providing the wisdom of counseling professionals.
In order to protect and honor the confidentiality of our clients, we advertised for interviewees and also talked to volunteers who were referred to us by other therapists. As the interview process got underway, we were impressed by the courage and openness of our contacts. They were willing to share very intimate stories of pain and healing out of a desire to help others escape the trap. Rob, for example, told us he hoped sharing his story would spare others the pain he went through getting caught with child pornography on his computer, and subsequently losing his job, his marriage, and the respect of his family and friends.
“Pornography is not only an individual problem, it’s a social and cultural problem. I hope my story helps someone else so that they won’t feel so alone and ashamed, and will get the help they need.”
We also gathered information from intimate partners of people overcoming porn problems. Karen, a twenty-eight-year-old beautician, spoke of feeling traumatized when she found her new husband’s hidden computer file containing sexually provocative pictures of young girls. “The idea of having a child with him suddenly scared me,” she said. “What does it mean that he is turned on by this stuff? My trust level fell to zero. It’s taken us several years and a lot of counseling for me to feel safe going forward with our plans to start a family together.”
Finally, we interviewed therapists, addiction specialists, and pastoral counselors who address pornography problems in both individual and group therapy settings. Their generosity sharing their unique strategies and techniques makes this book an even more valuable tool to those in trouble.
We hope that The Porn Trap helps break the silence surrounding pornography for anyone whose life has been damaged by porn. This book can be your lifeline for getting out of the trap, helping you confront your problems honestly, without judgment or shame, and providing you with the information you need to make your own decisions about if, how, and when to quit using porn.