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ony, a twenty-five-year-old grad student, stared out the window and shook his head in disbelief at how quickly he had sunk into the porn trap. “My live-in girlfriend and I were going through a rough time in our relationship. She left town for a few days and I decided to look at porn on the Internet to satisfy me. Up ’til then I’d never been interested in porn. I began on a Friday afternoon looking at the free peeks. By Saturday I was into the sex chats, and by Sunday I had joined a swinger site. One thing led to another—a domino effect. Two weeks later my girlfriend looked in our computer log and saw what I’d been up to. I lied to her about it, said I had been doing government research of all things. A month later she left me. I never realized that porn had the power to upend my life the way that it did.”
Marie, a forty-three-year-old accountant and single mother of two, was surprised by the physical power porn seemed to have over her. “For a long time porn was boring to me. I’d sneak a peek at magazines and videos on rare occasions. Then I discovered masturbating to porn. It was a lot more thrilling than just looking at it. I started craving porn constantly, like a drug. Not wanting my kids to find my porn I switched over to using the Internet. That was a big mistake. On the Internet I could find porn in an instant. The faster I would click the mouse, the more I could see. One night my brain went on overload with the visual
stimulation. Next thing I knew, I climaxed. No hands. The computer had control of my mind and body. It was frightening how much power porn had over me.”
Dave is a pastor in his fifties, who despite being married to a woman he loves, defines himself as a porn addict. He is still struggling to come to terms with the power porn had over his life, costing him his former job as a school counselor. “Porn was the best sex I ever had. Tremendous rush. I didn’t have to emotionally connect. I could pick and choose. I chased the golden-haired Eve. It was all very attractive, very mysterious, very cool. But it wasn’t cool when I got caught. Porn has a destructive side. I lost my job and nearly my wife. If you keep doing porn long enough it will ruin your life. I don’t think the power of porn is really understood by most people.”
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or many years, using porn has been the shameful secret many of us have shared in common but no one has talked about. Most women are terrified to admit to using porn. Most men assume that other men do it at least occasionally. After all, “it’s a guy thing,” since at least three out of four porn users are men. But porn still has a sleaziness about it. It’s not something you tell someone on a first or even a fifteenth date. Definitely no one talks about it in a job interview. You certainly can’t tell your mother, although if you are a male your father might expect it. You may bring it up with your friends, but probably only in a joking manner.
Most of us would be loathe to think of ourselves as porn addicts or even porn users. After all, we all have a picture in our minds of the typical porn user, and he (or she) doesn’t look or act like us. On the other hand, chances are we probably wouldn’t picture a grad student, an accountant, or a pastor as a porn user either. But that’s who uses porn. Regular people. People like you and me and the person sitting next to you on the plane and your doctor and your mechanic.
Despite their differences, what Tony, Marie, and Dave share, as do most of the people we have interviewed for this book, is their shock at the destructive power of pornography, something they originally got involved in because it seemed simply to promise a harmless good time. “How,” they wonder, “can something that isn’t a drug, isn’t an extramarital affair, isn’t actually sex with someone else, cause such devastating problems as divorce, getting fired, and not being able to get sexually aroused by a real live partner?”
The truth is, using pornography can make you go blind—blind to the power and control it can eventually have over your life. Though we might stare intensely at it, we don’t see, often can’t see, how and why it is so powerful. Did you know that porn can actually rewire your brain? That’s one reason why some people who use porn become preoccupied with sex, develop problematic sexual desires, and experience sexual functioning problems. And if your brain has been changed, it can be difficult to see clearly exactly what is happening and how it’s affecting your life.
Porn is an extremely alluring and compelling “product,” capable of delivering sexual pleasure while at the same time setting one up for great pain. Porn is like other controlled substances, such as alcohol and cigarettes, that promise good times, sometimes deliver them, but can end up causing much more damage than pleasure. And unlike booze and tobacco, no one warns us of the potential side effects.
Most of us come to porn unprepared. In school, they teach us about the dangers of alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, even overeating. But chances are, you’ve never heard a teacher discuss the problems associated with using porn. Porn magazines, books, videos, and Web sites do not come with a list of ingredients educating us about their production standards or potency. When’s the last time you saw a Surgeon General’s warning on a porn product?
Our goal is to help you learn more about porn and the kind of power it can exert over you physiologically, emotionally, and socially. As we explore porn with you, it is our hope that whether you are currently using porn or not, or are the intimate partner of a user, you will begin to understand why porn can end up playing such a significant role in a person’s life. We also believe that the information we share and guidance we provide later in the book will empower you to succeed, if and when you decide to cut porn out of your life for good. Perhaps most important, we hope that what you learn here will help you become more forgiving, both toward yourself and others whose lives have been hurt by porn problems.
Pornography is a difficult and complex issue. It takes time, and a lot of discussion and self-reflection, to gain an accurate understanding of what it means to you. The more you know about it, the more likely it is that you will be able to talk about porn concerns with others and avoid being stuck in its trap. Free of porn, you can create a life filled with healthy sexuality, satisfying intimate relationships, and a better sense of self-value.