We All React Differently. That First Time

For some of us, porn is “nothing to get all excited about,” while for others, it is “everything to get all excited about!” Gil, the millworker, said, “Looking at the pictures of the beautiful, seductive women was like, ‘Wow, there’s this whole world I had no idea existed.’ ”

Most of the people we interviewed for this book described their first encounter with porn as exciting and stimulating. Only a few people characterized their first experience with porn as traumatic. Some of the people we spoke with did, however, refer to their initial porn experi­ence as “shocking” and “confusing.” Betsy, a nineteen-year-old college sophomore, who saw her first pornographic movie when she had just started high school, said, “It shocked and bothered me. I became a little sad and depressed. Seeing firsthand the subtle and overt violence against women was a big turn-off. Porn is so degrading to women. My parents said that sex was really beautiful. Porn wasn’t. I want to make love with a man, not have him expect me to be like the women are in porn. I couldn’t stand to be with a man who wants to treat me like the men treat women in porn.”

Our reactions to porn can have a lot to do with how old we are when we encounter it the first time, whether we’re by ourselves or with friends, whether we seek it out or have it thrust upon us by someone else who wants to show off or shock us with it, and just exactly what images we see that first time. You can imagine that a six-year-old seeing a bondage video would have a much different reaction than a twelve-year-old find­ing his dad’s fairly tame girlie magazine collection. And gender can also play a role. For instance, young girls are generally more upset and more likely to cry when exposed to porn than boys.

Other factors that play a role in how we respond to porn that first time (and subsequent times as well) include our religious values, family expectations, and social environment. A thirteen-year-old who is in a family that promotes open discussion about sexual issues and concerns will likely have a different reaction to coming across porn than a thir­teen-year-old who is in a family where there is underlying shame about sex and discomfort talking about it.

Thirty-three-year-old Alex is a good example of how religion and family values can affect one’s response to porn. Alex was attracted to the excitement and taboo aspects of porn because it transcended the religious restrictions he’d grown up with. “I was raised in a very religious Mennonite family. You know the big Mennonite joke: Why don’t Men — nonites believe in premarital sex? Because it might lead to dancing! Well, pornography was never mentioned on the lists of ‘don’ts.’ At nine years old I bought a stash of about twenty mainline pornographic magazines— Playboys, Penthouses, and some Hustlers—from my best friend’s older brother. I read them when I was supposed to be doing homework. It was pure excitement and arousal.”

Updated: 03.11.2015 — 23:02