Remember how Brad and his brother rushed home to tell their mom about being shown the Penthouse magazine by the two hippies at the playground? Brad had many questions for her about what he had just seen, but instead of remaining calm and providing information, she “just flipped” and ran down to the playground in search of the hippies. As a child, Brad never had the opportunity to ask any questions or receive any answers regarding pornography.
As an adult and father himself today, Brad can understand his mother’s reaction: she was angry that anyone would show that kind of thing to her young boys, and perhaps also scared that the hippies might have been using the porn as a “grooming technique” to later sexually abuse her children. But her reaction at the time scared Brad and confused him even more about the incident.
Like most six-year-olds Brad had a natural curiosity about human bodies and the biological differences between boys and girls. Unfortunately, Brad’s mother’s reaction made him feel bad about his curiosity, guilty and ashamed for what had happened, and afraid to ever mention anything about pornography to her again. By the time Brad was a teenager and his parents became concerned about his use of porn, it was too late. The communication lanes were closed. Brad had already learned to keep his porn use secret and, when confronted, to lie.
Most of the people we talked with about their early porn experiences told us they got similar reactions from their parents. When they try to talk about porn with their parents, kids learn quickly that the subject is off limits. This may be in part because like Brad’s mom, many parents lack the knowledge and skills to know exactly what to do or say. Instead they may ignore the questions, dismiss possible porn problems, and avoid discussion altogether. Some parents may not want to talk about porn because they fear discussing it will bring up issues about their own porn use. Or it may be part of a bigger “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy that many families have about sex in general.
Unfortunately, when parents are unable to be there for their children to discuss porn issues when they first arise, many dominoes begin to fall: emotional honesty and closeness between children and their parents begins to crumble, kids learn to feel unnecessary shame about their sexuality, and in fact, compulsive porn use may actually be fueled.
This might be a good place for you to stop and think about your initial experiences with porn. We’ve designed the exercise below to help guide your understanding of how you first came in contact with pornography and what impact it had on you at the time.
When Did You First
Encounter Pornography?
1. How old were you when you first saw pornography?
2. What were the circumstances you were in? Were you alone or with someone else?
3. What type of porn did you encounter? What type of sexual behavior and experiences were portrayed in the porn?
4. What was your immediate reaction? How did you feel? Were you excited, confused, anxious, ashamed, intrigued, scared, sexually aroused, disgusted, angry, delighted, sad, etc.?
5. Did you talk with others about your experience? If so, what do you recall about their reaction? If not, how did it feel to be carrying this "secret knowledge"?
6. Did your first encounter with porn make you want to see or search out more of it? If so, how?
7. Is there anything that bothers you about your first exposure to porn, such as how young you were, the type of porn you saw, or the situation you were in, that you wish would have been different? Why?