On this question of sharing the work at home, Ann listened to two contradictory inner voices. In her “better moments,” as she saw them, she wanted to relieve Robert of the work at home, to do it herself. When this voice spoke loudest, Ann spoke appreciatively about the heavy demands of Robert’s career and his strong need to relax: “Robert’s a real tinkerer. He becomes immersed in his trains, and builds radios too. It’s a wonderful hobby. When hes absolutely exhausted from traveling, he’ll still get up at four in the morning to do his exercise and spend an hour working on his model trains.”
In her “worse moments,” as she saw them, Ann wanted Robert to share at home. When she wanted this, she would say such things as this: “Over time, Robert has become sloppier about helping at home, less willing to go as far because he’s started to get a sense that it doesn’t matter as much that I’m tired.” Describing another “worse moment” she said: “Sometimes I tell him that he makes self-centered choices about what to do with his time. He spends hours on his trains, hours he could spend helping me with the children.” But eventually she saw her perceptions of Robert’s “sloppiness” or “selfishness” as lapses from a more “true,” sacrificial point of view.
Much to her own annoyance, Ann vacillated between her better moments and worse. She describes it this way: [6]
phase. During this phase, he tries very hard to come home at six, help with dinner, the bath, and make an equal number of household-related calls.
Then I feel guilty because these errands disrupt his work.
His work has always been more important than mine, because hes more talented and more interesting than I am.
But sometimes my wanting-to-protect-him phase only lasts a day. Then I flip back. I say, “I put in almost as many hours.
By most peoples standards, mine is a responsible position. Гт well paid. I have authority. Just because I don’t take my work as seriously as you do doesn’t mean other people don’t take it seriously. So I only have to do 50 percent at home.”
When Ann was in the “flip” stage she took the vantage point of Carmen Delacorte. When she was in the “flop” stage, she took the vantage point of Nancy Holt. But to Ann, Carmen Delacorte’s view of a wife’s role ultimately felt more admirable, and even if she couldn’t hold it for long, she aspired to. Ann felt exasperated with herself for not being able to stick to it. She also surprised herself: “I never would have thought I’d want to take a back seat to Robert’s career. I never used to have this view of marriage.”