Some of the elite parents focused less on material overindulgence than what we might think of as psychological overindulgence. Professional middle-class parents spoke about being responsive to their children, about respecting individual needs, and creating “quality time” to make up for their daily absence at work. But these actions create concerns as well. In Berkeley, Jenna Hall, a white mother of two teenagers, worries that she is producing children who are overly concerned with the “here and now”; she also worries about the ways in which schools and parents alike celebrate children’s accomplishments whether or not they are worthy of that celebration. Ultimately Jenna believes that a world that has been made gentle and supportive might inadequately prepare children for the tough challenges of daily life.
[The biggest problem today is] raising bratty, unhelpful kids. I feel like my kids are so self-centered. Kids. . . feel so entitled and impatient. . . . Like with cell phones, everything is so “now,” and everything kids do is somehow rewarded. I get really frustrated. Like the school, they celebrate every little thing, like it’s the last day of school, we need to have a party. And I’m thinking, “The last day of school, it’s the last day of school. It’s great by itself. Why do we have to have a party?” End of soccer season everyone gets a medal even though they were on the losing team. So it’s almost, like, not real. All the celebration for these things that aren’t that great that I worry that later on these kids are going to be really disappointed. Things aren’t going to be fun enough. No one gives me a medal for making dinner every
day. You know, these are kind of mundane things that are being, I believe, overly celebrated. And I know my kids get—if they ever heard a busy signal, they might just fall apart. Like I don’t think you hear busy signals anymore, just like that instant [snaps her fingers] “I need to have everything done immediately.” I guess that is my biggest fear for these guys.
Also from Berkeley, Susan Chase acknowledges that the amount of encouragement she provides her children might sometimes have the negative effect of making life appear too easy. She is glad that she has a husband who is better than she is at creating opportunities for her children to face challenges:
I think I am quite typical of my generation. I think I’m very kid centered.
I think I’m probably quite indulgent by traditional standards. I adore my kids. … I don’t have any doubts about how much I love them, and I think that is the first thing that has to be there. But I have to keep on reminding myself that it is necessary but not sufficient, that there may be things like [actions that encourage] character building. And… I’m glad that I have a husband who is better about those things than I am. I try to give them a lot of encouragement, but I also am aware of the fact that there really is a downside to these kids who are encouraged and given positive reinforcement at every possible step, and they have never really been challenged or had to deal with adversity. And the strange paradox of you don’t want your kids to experience any adversity, but at the same time it is kind of adversity that makes us the people we are and gives us character. So I try to balance those out.
The indulgent stance that emerges from parents’ being “kid centered” gives rise to anxieties about not imposing sufficient limits and about not letting their children experience “real” life.
Taken as a whole, then, the professional middle-class parents who were interviewed are concerned about raising the overscheduled child, the highly pressured child, and the overindulged child. But they see no way out since these actions are taken in response to their own and other parents’ anxieties about the reproduction of class privilege. Susan Chase was explicit about this:
A friend of mine, I was talking with about this, she called it “hoarding advantage.” You know, parents are so anxious about the world that we think every little thing that will give them some sort of a little edge in this competitive and uncertain world, we’re gonna cling to, and were not going to say, “whatever, he’ll work it out.” It’s like we can’t afford to let our kids screw around like we did when most of us were kids, and I think that’s really too bad.20
Professional middle-class parents thus find themselves in a bind that is, at least in part, of their own making. They may not want their children to grow up too fast, but they cannot and will not simply allow their children to be children: they treat them like adults when they tell them to make choices and when they discuss media images with them. They are also busy “hoarding advantages” and ensuring that their children can compete successfully in the academic realm, in the sports arena, and eventually as adults themselves. These practices draw these parents into ever closer vigilance—not just with respect to issues of physical safety but also with respect to assessing whether their children are ready for the next movie rating, an Advanced Placement class, or a higher level of competitive sports and with respect to keeping a close eye on the effects of the lifestyles they have adopted.