Think of bosses as crying, whining children who need a bit of discipline. Forgive the analogy, but it is really quite similar to training little ones. The first time a tantrum or refusal to go to bed crops up, or, let’s say, an unreasonable work request is made, you will feel horrible and guilt-ridden at “letting down” your child/boss. But once you power through the tears/pressure, which lasts much less time than you imagine, you’ll soon realize you’ve gained power. You’ve set not only boundaries but also a precedent for the future. Further, you’ll wonder why you didn’t try it a long time ago. The next time, your child/boss will cry/ demand less. The time after that, they might not whine/make an unreasonable demand at all. And you’ve got power—not to mention a tension-relieving inside giggle at your supervisor.
step 4 change the soundtrack
Pretty soon, you can drop all of the paper and lists and funny mental images and do it all reflexively. You’ll easily understand where your mind is going BEFORE you start to spiral. Then you’re really saving time. You can cut off the whole long-winded, emotionally draining process at the start, and move on.
Another way to think about it when these negative thoughts crop up: you need to literally change the “thought-track” in your head. Change your internal message. Instead of running a negative track about all of the things you haven’t done and the reasons why you have to meet unreasonable requests or you might be forever doomed, you turn on the positive track, which reminds you of all of your accomplishments and power. If you keep that on a continuous loop, then your angst will float away.
Christy Runningen of Best Buy says the only way she stops it is by literally forcing her mind onto better terrain. “It’s so easy to get overwhelmed and think, ‘oh I should be doing this, or I should be doing that,’ or ‘I feel guilty, it’s ten o’clock on a weekday morning and I’m not working at this very moment,’ Christy says. “Well for me the key is backing up and taking a look at what I am responsible for. It doesn’t matter if I’m not doing it at this very second. I’m meeting every work goal, and that’s what matters.” step 5 compromise counts
There are times when you will feel unreasonable guilt, and you should not have to “give in,” but the reality is that you won’t always get to do things your way. Don’t always focus on an all-or — nothing outcome. That in itself can create lots of tension. At these moments, instead of letting your guilt force a dejected “cave-in,” look for a split. You may be able to get part of what you want. “I can’t come in Friday because I’ve already made plans, since I asked for the day off last month, but I can work through my lunch today. I hope that helps!” This sort of olive branch seems powerful, can leave you feeling good, and still preserves the basics of what you need. And when you do have to compromise—for goodness’ sake don’t feel guilty about doing so. You haven’t sold yourself short or failed, you’ve just compromised! You’ve lost some time during your lunch break but at least you’ve won your Friday.
step 6 pull out the rhetorical guilt shields
We tend to think silence and a smile are the best guilt-deflectors, but if you just can’t help yourself, here are some ready-made scripts you can use to avert an assault from coworkers and bosses.
“Out the door so early,” your annoying coworker sneers.
“It’s awesome how quickly I nailed that Brenner report,” you reply with a smile.
“I was at the office until midnight last night,” grumbles your office mate, pointedly.
“Brutal,” you sympathetically reply. “When I logged on at 6 a. m. this morning, I thought I’d die.”
“This project could really use your input over the weekend-oh— did you say you were away?” your boss asks, clearly testing the waters.
“Absolutely—I agree it should not go out without my onceover. I’ll have it done Monday midday.”