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The Importance of Communication
It Takes Some Learning to Communicate
■ HUMAN SEXUALITY IN A DIVERSE WORLD I Love Peanut Butter!
How Women and Men Communicate
■ SEX IN REAL LIFE Gossiping and Complaining Types of Communication: More Than Words
■ PERSONAL VOICES Internet Romance Communicating More Effectively
■ SEX IN REAL LIFE Being a More Effective Communicator
Criticism: Can You Take It? (And Also Dish
It Out?)
The Fine Art of Listening
Negative Feelings and Criticism
Nonconstructive Communication: Don’t Yell at Me!
Enriching Your Sexuality
Talking With Your Partner About Sex I Like You, and I Like Myself What Makes a Good Lover?
Enriching Your Sexuality: It’s Not Mind Reading
Chapter Review
Chapter Resources
Sexuality — * Now Go to www. thomsonedu. com to link to SexualityNow, your online study tool.
id you ever notice that there are certain rules to communicating with Tothers! Let’s say you meet someone new tonight. Your eyes find each ‘other across the room and slowly you make your way over to talk to each other. What would you say? What wouldn’t you say? How do you decide? Most likely you make a comment like, “Pretty loud in here, huh?” or “I can’t believe how crowded it is!” The first unwritten rule about communication early in a relationship is that you talk about something relevant but impersonal. You wouldn’t walk up to someone you don’t know and say, “Do you get along with your parents?” or “Do you ever get acne?” No, these questions are too personal to discuss with a stranger.
When do you start to talk about personal things in relationships? Social psychologists talk about the “onion” theory of communication. We all are onions with many, many layers, and when we first meet someone we are careful about what we say—our onion layers stay in place. However, as more and more time goes by (and the amount of time differs from person to person), we begin to take off our layers. We take turns sharing personal information.
At first we might talk about the weather (“I can’t believe it’s still so hot in October”) and then progress to certain classes or professors (“I really enjoyed my psychology teacher last semester”). These comments are low risk and really don’t involve sharing too much personal information. However, the next layer may include information about politics or family relationships, and the information gets more personal. The key to the onion theory is that as you begin to peel off your layers, so too does your partner. If you share something personal about yourself, your partner will probably do the same. If your partner tells you something about a bad experience he or she had, you share a negative experience you’ve been through.
Have you ever met someone who shared really personal information early, maybe within the first few days of meeting you? Some people are notorious for peeling off their layers prematurely. They talk about personal issues very early in the relationship, which often makes their partner feel uncomfortable. There are exceptions to this—for example, have you ever sat next to a stranger on an airplane and shared information that you later realized you’ve never shared with people you know well? This happens all the time. On an airplane you might be a little nervous, and talking might help lessen your anxiety. But more importantly, you assume you’ll never see this person again, so talk is cheap. There are relatively few risks to sharing so much so soon. When you arrive at your destination, you both go off in different directions and probably won’t ever see each other again.
Whether you are involved in an intimate relationship now or plan to be at some point in the future, communication is one of the most important elements in a healthy, satisfying relationship. In this chapter we will talk about the importance of communication and improving interpersonal communication, including the ability to communicate about sexual issues. Improving communication has been found to enrich personal sexuality. We will discuss other ways to enrich your personal sexuality by learning to feel good about yourself, your skills as a lover, and improving your relationships with others. No one is born a good lover; it takes learning and patience. The information in this chapter may be valuable to you throughout your life, as your relationships change and mature.
Overall, the research has shown that couples who know how to communicate with each other are happier, more satisfied, and
have a greater likelihood of making their relationship last (Hahlweg et al., 2000). However, learning to really communicate with your partner isn’t easy. In fact, students often tell me that it’s easier to just “do it” than talk about “doing it.” Why is it so hard to talk to your partner? How can you share yourself physically with someone but feel unable to talk about things that are important to you? Why is it difficult to listen to someone when they want to talk about something you don’t want to hear about?