In the preceding section we discussed gender differences in communication, but why do these differences exist? Is it biology? Society? We discussed earlier that researchers often disagree about whether there are gender differences, but it’s also true that researchers who agree that there are differences disagree on the reasons for these differences. There may be a biological basis—physically innate differences between men and women that cause gender differences in communication. There may be psychological reasons—men and women have experienced different reinforcements for communicating, and these have shaped their patterns of communication. There may also be societal reasons for the differences. Social role theory explains the differences in terms of role expectations about masculinity and femininity in society, whereas societal development theories focus on male dominance in society and its effects on communication patterns.
Although it’s true that all of these theories can explain some of the gender differences in communication, gender communication can often be best understood as a form of cross-cultural communication (A. M. Johnson, 2001; Mulvaney, 1994). If you were suddenly in a conversation with a person from another country who had no experience with your culture, you might find this conversation difficult. You wouldn’t know the subtleties of that person’s communication style, and he or she wouldn’t know yours. It’s hypothesized that even though men and women grow up in similar environments, they learn different ways of communicating, which resembles a form of crosscultural communication.
Maltz & Borker (1982) believe that American men and women come from different “sociolinguistic subcultures” and learn different communication rules. They interpret conversations and use language differently. This all begins as children in same-sex play groups, which are often organized very differently. The majority of young girls play in small groups and have “best friends.” They negotiate friendships and pay attention to subtle cues of “who likes who.” Reaching higher levels of intimacy is the goal, and their games, such as playing house, less often have winners and losers. Boys, on the other hand, learn to use speech for the expression of dominance and play in hierarchically organized groups that focus on directing and winning (Maltz & Borker, 1982). Boys often jockey for status by telling jokes, showing off, or claiming they are the best at things. In their conversations, a “leader” tends to emerge. Girls tend to focus more on negotiation.
According to Maltz & Borker (1982), during same-sex conversations, girls and boys learn the rules and assumptions about communication, and these rules follow them through life. As adolescents, they begin to communicate in mixed-sex groups with the rules they learned from same-sex communication, which can cause problems. For example, girls learn to nod their head during conversations with other girls. This lets the talker know that she is being listened to. When a woman nods her head during a conversation with a man, he thinks she agrees with him (when she might not agree or disagree—her head nod may simply be showing him that she is listening). When a man doesn’t nod his head when a woman is talking to him, she may think he isn’t listening to her. All of this can lead to feeling misunderstood and poor communication. Understanding the differences in communication styles won’t automatically prevent disagreements, but it will help keep the disagreements manageable. We will talk more about nonverbal communication techniques in a moment.
One more point deserves mention before leaving our discussion of gender and communication. Many of the studies on gender differences in communication have studied only young, well-educated, middle-class Americans (Mortenson, 2002). Because of this, we do not know whether these findings are generalizable to different groups inside the United States or in different countries. Cultures differ in many ways, but one important dimension that has been extensively studied is the degree to which a culture encourages individual needs in relation to group needs. Individualistic cultures encourage their members to have individual goals and values and an independent sense of self
SEX in Real Life