Internet Romance
icki and Russ met online through instant messaging [IMs]. Both believed that the self-disclosure they made earlier promoted connections out of emotional intimacy rather than physical attraction. Vicki and Russ talk about how they met and share their first IMs:
Russ: I found that it was easier to interact with women by computer, since my work took up a good deal of my time. Besides, it was a lot less expensive than going to a bar every night.
Vicki: I ignored Russ’s early IMs because I don’t accept IMs from unfamiliar people. However, one day he had some comment that was pretty witty and entertaining so I actually replied.
Russ: Our senses of humor were very similar. I quickly realized that Vicki was a very nice person, and I was very interested in following this through.
Vicki: Conversations with Russ were very relaxed, and he always made me laugh. Since he always found me whenever I logged on, we’d chat, and I got to know a lot about him without sharing much about me (I kept thinking "what if he is one of those Internet psychos?"). Soon he offered his phone number. He warned me that he had caller ID, which meant he would get my phone number automatically, if I called him from home. I thought this was very honest of him to tell me that. I was convinced he was a nice guy.
Russ: While I did want to, I never pressed Vicki to meet or even to speak on the phone, because I was enjoying the repartee that was happening. I know that this could be deceiving, as you can type anything, but from the beginning I recognized the honesty in what she was saying.
Vicki: Our first telephone conversation lasted about 3 hours. We talked on the phone about a week, and then I e-mailed him accepting his dinner offer.
Russ: I felt that Vicki was someone worth waiting for. After finally meeting, we did not encounter a lot of the normal dating problems, like learning about each other’s likes and dislikes, since we had discussed these at length long before meeting. Dating Vicki was like dating a long-time friend, since we knew so much about each other. Our relationship progressed at that point in what would be considered a more "mainstream" fashion. Two years later I asked Vicki to marry me, and we were wed the following year.
Here is a copy of Vicki and Russ’s first instant message:
V: What do you look like?
R: 6’0", 175 pounds, red hair, somewhat athletic build, clean shaven.
V: red huh? Watch out for the sun!
R: Yeah, I know… gotta be careful.
R: My turn, what do you look like? or should I just ask if you have a picture?
V: ummm… don’t have a pix-so, let’s see… I’m 5’7", light brown hair, kinda unruly curly hair, blue eyes, freckles
R: I have blue eyes too
V: I used to have red hair as a kid. how cool is that?
V: no chance I’m giving you my weight. Let’s just say, not as athletic as I should have been over the last year. But heading in the right direction again.
R: I’m a gentleman. No chance I will be asking for it.
V: I wear glasses
R: Me too!! Then I don’t have to play like I don’t need them and walk into walls!
V: you remind me of my friend’s husband, Mark
R: nope, just checked my license and it says Russell
V: good because if you were Mark, I would have to call the marriage police
R: At the risk of seeming eager, may I offer you my phone number?
V: at the risk of making you think I am not sincere. . . can I say, not yet?
R: Honesty is one of the most important things in the world to me Vic. I appreciate your response and respect it.
V: I gotta get some sleep
R: I have really enjoyed this meeting Vic
V: nice meeting up with you too
V: sweet dreams
R: Thank you! I’ll look for you again.
V: cya soon
Source: Author’s files.
mediated conversation can be very intimate, and couples can potentially become acquainted faster online than in face-to-face contact. One woman said:
I found that our relationship progressed very quickly. We became intimate very early on and told each other things about ourselves that “bonded” us. It seemed that there was less risk, since we weren’t face-to-face and didn’t have to worry about what each other would think. We could also talk all the time—it wasn’t unusual for us to find each other online in the wee hours of the morning. (Author’s files)
However, it’s also important to point out that there also is a risk of “eroticized pseudointimacy” online (Cooper & Sportolari, 1997). When couples overindulge and are compulsive on the Internet, the results can be destructive (i. e., a person may become obsessed with the Internet and unable to stop the behavior).
The key to online relationships is to take it slow and, because you are not meeting the person face-to-face, really get to know your partner as much as you can. Communicate the things that are important to you, and “listen” as your partner talks. Be realistic about the chances the relationship will work out.
Question: My partner spends a lot of time on the Internet. The other night I discovered that he was in a chat room having a very "intimate" conversation with another man. I was heartbroken. Do you think an online relationship constitutes cheating? It sure feels that way to me.
This is an interesting question. Many people believe that if their partner is having an intimate relationship with someone on the Internet, this is indeed cheating. But this really depends on how you define "intimate." Many online relationships involve sharing personal information about yourself and learning personal information about the person you are chatting with. One study that was done on "online infidelity" found that usually people who engage in these behaviors are not unhappy with their present relationships (Aviram, 2005). Typically, it has more to do with personality variables, such as a high degree of narcissism. Communication is key here—see if he can help you understand why he was drawn to engaging in such conversation on the Internet and with the other person. Remember, though, that unless he is proven guilty, he didn’t do anything wrong.