It’s tough to be a good listener these days. We all have so many things going on at one time that it makes it difficult to really focus on what our partner is saying. Because we all have “buttons” that our partners can push, it’s important to know what these buttons are. For instance, two students of mine, Linda and Steve, told me that when they get into a disagreement, Steve often brings up the fact that Linda acts “just like her mother.” This infuriates Linda because she has unresolved feelings about her relationship with her mother. Instead of listening to what Steve has to say, she gets defensive and angry because he compared her to her mother. Knowing in advance what these “buttons” are in your own relationship can help reduce conflict and misunderstandings.
Listening and really paying attention can also help you learn important things about your partner. John Gottman, a relationship expert, gives couples a relationship quiz to see if they have been paying attention to each other’s likes and dislikes (Gottman,
1999) . His questions include the following:
• What is the name of your partner’s best friend?
• Who has been irritating your partner lately?
• What are some of your partner’s life dreams?
• What are three of your partner’s favorite movies?
• What are your partner’s major current worries?
• What would your partner want to do if he or she suddenly won the lottery?
We don’t ever realize how important it is to have others listen to us until someone we really care about doesn’t listen to us (Coleman, 2002). When others really listen, we are often able to see more clearly what it is that upsets us. Being listened to can make us feel worthy, protected, and cared about. As we mentioned earlier, encouraging your partner through active listening, such as eye contact, nodding, and/or saying “um hum”
(Fowers, 1998), shows your partner that you are “tuned in.” It also shows that you believe he or she has something worthwhile to say and it encourages him or her to continue talking.
When your partner is finished talking, it is important to summarize what your partner has told you as accurately as possible. This lets your partner know that you heard what he or she was saying and also enables your partner to correct any misunderstandings. Finally, it is also very important when listening to validate your partner’s statement. Saying “I can understand why you might feel that way” or “I know what you mean” can help you show your partner that you think what he or she is saying is valid. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree, but that you can accept your partner’s point of view.