We all get angry sometimes, and we know that not all conversations have happy, peaceful endings. However, the key is in managing the tension. When we disagree with our partner, the opening minutes of a disagreement can indicate whether or not the conversation will turn angry or simply be a quiet discussion (P. Coleman, 2002). If harsh words are used, chances are the disagreement will build and the tension will escalate. However, if softer words are used, there is a better chance the disagreement can be resolved.
Negative feelings may also involve sharing or accepting criticism. Accepting criticism isn’t an easy thing to do—we are all defensive at times. Although it would be impossible to eliminate all defensiveness, it’s important to reduce defensiveness in order to resolve disagreements. If you are defensive while listening to your partner’s criticism, chances are good that you will not be able to hear his or her message. Common defensive techniques are to deny the criticism (e. g., “That is just NOT TRUE!”), make excuses without taking any responsibility (e. g., “I was just exhausted!”), deflecting respon-
sibility (e. g., “Me? What about your behavior?”), and righteous indignation (e. g., “How could you possibly say such a hurtful thing?” ; P. Coleman, 2002). All of these techniques interfere with our ability to really understand what our partner is trying to tell us. Keeping our defensiveness in check is another important aspect of good communication.
John Gottman, whom we mentioned earlier, found that happy couples experienced 20 positive interactions for every negative one (Nelson, 2005). Couples who were in conflict experienced only 5 positive interactions for every negative one, and those couples soon to be divorced experienced only 0.8 negative interactions for every negative one. This research suggests that positive and negative interactions can shine light on a couple’s relationship happiness.