Couples often make many mistakes in their communication patterns that can lead to arguments, misunderstandings, and conflicts. Overgeneralizations, or making statements such as “Why do you always…?” or “You never…,” generally exaggerate an issue. Telling your partner that they “always” (or “never”) do something can cause defensiveness and will often lead to complete communication shutdown. Try to be specific about your complaints and help your partner to see what it is that is frustrating you.
Try to stay away from name-calling or stereotyping words, such as calling your partner a “selfish bastard” or a “nag.” These derogatory terms will only help escalate anger and frustration and will not lead to healthy communication. Digging up the past is another nonconstructive communication pattern wherein one partner continually brings up events about the other partner’s past. It’s also important to stay away from old arguments and accusations. The past is just that—the past. So try to leave it there and move forward. Dwelling on past events won’t help to resolve them.
Another common mistake that couples make in conversations is to use overkill. When you are frustrated with your partner and threaten the worst (e. g., “If you don’t do that, I will leave you”), even when you know it is not true, you reduce all communication. Don’t make threats that you can’t follow through with. In the same vein, it’s important to focus on your frustration in conversation.
Try not to get overwhelmed and throw too many issues in the conversation at once (e. g., the fact that your partner didn’t take the trash out last night, forgot to kiss you goodbye, and ignored you when he or she was with friends). This approach makes it really difficult to focus on resolving any one issue because there is just too much happening. Also, avoid yelling or screaming, which can cause your partner to be defensive and angry, and less likely to be rational and understand what you are saying. Even though it’s not easy, it’s important to stay calm during conversation.
Clinging to any of these communication patterns can interfere with the resolution of problems and concerns. If you recognize any of these patterns in your own relationship, try talking to your partner about it and try to catch yourself before you engage in them.