I had known Chris for some time and thought I was ready to be sexual with him. So, after an evening out together, I asked him if I could stay at his place, and he said yes. I felt really aroused as we got in bed. I really enjoyed exploring the shapes and textures of his body. As we started to touch each other’s genitals, though, I felt uncomfortable. If we proceeded in the direction we were headed, we would be going beyond the level of emotional intimacy I felt. It seemed that I would have to shut out the closeness I felt in order to go further. I had to choose between intimacy and genital contact. Our closeness was more important to me, and I told him that I wanted us to know each other more before going further sexually. (authors’ files)
The woman just quoted made the decision to postpone further sexual involvement until she became more comfortable in her relationship. Many individuals take a different course, moving quickly to sexual intimacy. In some cases this can deepen a relationship. However, this result is certainly not assured. In fact, when a relationship becomes sexual before a couple has established a more generalized bond of intimacy—fostered by a growing awareness, understanding, and appreciation of each other—the individuals involved can actually feel farther apart emotionally.
It is reasonable to suspect that people sometimes attempt to justify their sexual behavior by deciding they are in love. Indeed, it is likely that some couples enter into premature commitments (such as going steady, moving in together, becoming engaged, or even getting married) to convince themselves of the depth of their love and thus of the legitimacy of their sexual involvement.