Direct questions often put people on the spot. Whether you have been asked "Do you enjoy oral sex?" or "How do you feel about oral sex?" it may be difficult to respond candidly, simply because you do not know your partner’s feelings on the subject. If the topic has strong emotional overtones, it may be difficult to reply—no matter how thoughtfully the question has been phrased. It is the content, not the communication technique, that causes the problem.
One way to broach potentially loaded topics is to start with a self-disclosure:
For the longest time, I avoided the topic of oral sex with my lover. I didn’t have the slightest idea what she felt about it. I was afraid to bring it up for fear she would think I was some kind of pervert. Eventually I could no longer tolerate not knowing her feelings. I brought it up by first talking about my mixed emotions, like feeling that maybe it wasn’t natural but at the same time really wanting to try it out. As it turned out, she had similar feelings but was afraid to bring them up. afterward we laughed about how we had both been afraid to break the ice. Once we could talk freely, it was easy to add this form of stimulation to our sex life. (authors’ files)
Personal disclosures require give and take. It is much easier to share feelings about strongly emotional topics when a partner is willing to make similar disclosures (Maisel et al., 2008). Admittedly, such an approach has risks, and occasionally one can feel vulnerable sharing personal thoughts and feelings. Nevertheless, the increased possibility for open, honest dialogue may be worth the discomfort a person may feel about making the first disclosure. Research clearly reveals that self-disclosure in general enhances intimacy in relationships and that self-disclosure of sexual desires and needs is positively associated with obtaining sexual satisfaction in intimate relationships (Bauminger et al., 2008; Greene & Faulkner, 2005; Oattles & Offman, 2007). Research also indicates that when one partner openly discusses his or her own feelings, the other partner is likely to do the same (Derlego et al., 1993; Hendrick & Hendrick, 1992).
It is becoming more and more common for people to engage in intimate communication online. The lack of face-to-face monitoring may increase both the rapidity and emotional intensity of self-disclosures (Ben-Ze’ev, 2003).
Thus a potential drawback of online sex talk is that it may induce premature and perhaps ill-advised disclosures. However, the relative anonymity of cyberspace may empower people to disclose personal feelings about sexual issues.
This may be especially true for men, who often find it difficult to discuss their feelings (Basow & Rubenfeld, 2003; Bowman, 2008; Levant, 1997). We con — s sider relating on the Web in more detail in the following section.
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