While planning an evening out, many couples consider it natural to discuss each other’s preferences: "Would you like to go to a concert, or would you rather go to the movies?" "How close do you like to sit?" "Do you prefer vegetarian, Italian, or meat and potatoes?" Afterward they may candidly evaluate the evening’s events: "The drummer was great." "I think we should sit farther from the speakers next time." "Boy, I wouldn’t
order the scampi again." Yet many of the same couples never think of sharing thoughts about mutual sexual enjoyment.
Admittedly, discussing sexual preferences and evaluating specific sexual encounters are a big step up from discussing an evening out. Nevertheless, people do engage in this type of sexual dialogue. Some people feel comfortable discussing sexual preferences with a new lover before progressing to lovemaking. They might talk about what areas of their bodies are most responsive, how they like to be touched, what intercourse positions are particularly desirable, the easiest or most satisfying way to reach orgasm, time and location preferences, special turn-ons and turn-offs, and a variety of other likes and dislikes.
The appeal of this open, frank approach is that it allows a couple to focus on particularly pleasurable activities rather than discovering them by slow trial and error. However, some people feel that such dialogues are far too clinical, perhaps even robbing the sexual experience of the excitement of experimentation and mutual discovery. Furthermore, what a person finds desirable might differ with different partners, so it might be difficult to assess one’s own preferences in advance.
Couples might also find it helpful to discuss their feelings after having sex. They can offer reactions about what was good and what could be better. They can use this time to reinforce the things they found particularly satisfying in their partner’s lovemaking ("I loved the way you touched me on the insides of my thighs"). A mutual feedback session can be extremely informative; it can also contribute to a deeper intimacy between two people.