One important consideration for effectively verbalizing a complaint to your partner is to pick the right time and place.
Choose the Right Time and Place
Whenever my lover brings up something that is bothering her about our sex life, it inevitably is just after we have made love. Here I am, relaxed, holding her in my arms, thinking good thoughts, and she destroys the mood with some criticism. It’s not that I don’t want her to express her concerns, but her timing is terrible. The last thing I want to hear after lovemaking is that it could have been better. (Authors’ files)
This man’s dismay is obvious. His partner’s decision to voice her concerns during the afterglow of lovemaking works against her purpose. He may feel vulnerable, and he clearly resents having his good mood following sex broken by the prospect of a potentially difficult conversation. Of course, other couples find this time, when they are exceedingly close to each other, a good occasion to air their concerns.
Many people, like the woman in the example, do not choose the best time to confront their lovers. Rather, the time chooses them: They jump right in when the problem is uppermost in their mind. Although dealing with an issue immediately can have benefits, it is not always the best strategy. Negative emotions, such as disappointment, resentment, or anger, when running at full tide, can easily hinder constructive interaction. We should avoid expressing complaints when anger is at its peak. Although we may have every intention of making our complaint constructive, anger has a way of disrupting a search for solutions. Sometimes, however, it is necessary to express anger; at the end of this section we consider how to do so appropriately.
In most cases it is unwise to tackle a problem when either you or your partner has limited time or is tired, stressed, preoccupied, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. Rather, try to select an interval when both of you have plenty of time and feel relaxed and close to each other.
A pragmatic approach to timing is simply to tell your lover, "I really value our sexual relationship, but there are some concerns I would like to talk over with you. Is this a good time, or would you rather we talked later?" Be prepared for some anxiety-induced stalling. If your partner is hesitant to talk now, support his or her right to pick another time or place. However, it is important to agree on a time, particularly if you sense that your partner might prefer to let the matter go.
Choosing the right place for expressing sexual concerns can be as important as timing. Some people find sitting at the kitchen table while sharing a pot of coffee a more comfortable setting than the place where they make love; others might prefer the familiarity of their bed. A walk through a park or a quiet drive in the country, far removed from the potential interferences of a busy lifestyle, may prove best for you. Try to sense your partners needs. When and where is she or he most likely to be receptive to your requests for change?
Picking the right time and place to deliver a complaint does not ensure a harmonious outcome, but it certainly improves the prospects of your partner’s responding favorably to your message. Using other constructive strategies can also increase the likelihood of beneficial interaction. One of these is to combine a complaint with praise.