The strategy of tempering complaints with praise is based largely on common sense. All of us tend to respond well to a compliment, but we tend to find a harsh complaint or criticism difficult to accept, especially by itself. The gentler approach of combining compliment and complaint is a good way to reduce the negative impact of the complaint. It also gives your partner a broader perspective from which to evaluate the complaint, reducing the likelihood that he or she will respond defensively or angrily. Consider how you might react differently to the following complaints, depending on whether they are accompanied by praise:
Complaint Alone
1. When we make love, I feel that you are inhibited.
2. I am really getting tired of your turning off the lights every time we make love.
3. I think our lovemaking is far too infrequent. It almost seems like sex is not as important to you as it is to me.
Complaint With Praise
1. I like it when you respond to me while we make love. I think it could be even better if you would take the initiative sometimes. Does this seem like a reasonable request?
2. I enjoy hearing and feeling you react when we make love. I also want to watch you respond. How would you feel about leaving the lights on sometimes?
3. I love having sex with you, and it has been bothering me that we don’t seem to have much time for it recently. What do you think about this?
Sadly, just about all of us have been on the receiving end of complaints like those in the left column. Common reactions are anger, humiliation, anxiety, and resentment.
Although some people respond to such harsh complaints by resolving to make things better, that response is unlikely. On the other hand, affirmative complaints, such as the examples in the right-hand column, are more likely to encourage efforts to change. A good deal of wisdom lies in the saying "People are usually more motivated to make a good thing better than to make a bad thing good." This applies as much to sexual activity as to any other area of human interaction.
When delivering complaints, it is also a good idea to ask for feedback. Regardless of how much warmth and goodwill we put into this difficult process, the possibility always exists that our partners will become silent or change the subject. Asking them how they feel about our requests for change helps reduce this possibility. (Note that all the preceding "Complaint With Praise" examples end with a request for feedback.) Critical Thinking Question