Many of us have difficulty saying no to others. Our discomfort in communicating this direct message is perhaps most pronounced when it applies to intimate areas of relationships. This is reflected in the following anecdotes:
Sometimes my partner wants to be sexual when I only want to be close. The trouble is, I can’t say no. I am afraid she would be hurt or angry. Unfortunately, I am the one who ends up angry at myself for not being able to express my true feelings. Under these circumstances, sex isn’t very good. (Authors’ files)
It is so hard to say no to a man who suggests having sex at the end of a date. this is especially true if we have had a good time together. You never know if they are going to get that hangdog hurt look or become belligerent and angry. (authors’ files)
These accounts reveal common concerns that inhibit us from saying no. We might believe that a rejection will hurt the other person or make him or her angry or even combative. Laboring under such fears, we might decide that it is less stressful simply to comply. Unfortunately, this reluctant acquiescence can create such negative feelings that the resulting shared activity may be less than pleasurable for both parties.
Many of us have not learned that it is okay to say no. Perhaps more importantly, we may not have learned strategies for saying this. In the following section we consider some potentially useful ways to say no.