Saying no in clear, unmistakable language is essential to the success of the strategy just outlined. Nevertheless, when it comes to sexual intimacy, many of us sometimes send mixed messages about what we do and do not want. Consider, for example, someone who responds positively to a partner’s request for sexual intimacy but then spends an inordinate amount of time soaking in the bathtub while the patiently waiting partner falls asleep. Or consider a person who expresses a desire to have sex but instead becomes engrossed in a late-night talk show. Both of these people are sending mixed messages that may reflect their own ambivalence about engaging in sexual relations.
As described in the next section, many of the messages we send about our sexual desires are conveyed nonverbally. When our nonverbal messages seem to contradict our verbal messages, our partners can have difficulty grasping our true intention. For example, we might say we are not interested in being sexual but then touch our partner in an intimate manner, or we might express willingness to engage in intercourse but then not be very responsive. In such circumstances, when our verbal and nonverbal messages seem discordant, our partners are likely to have difficulty determining what we are actually communicating. Furthermore, when the verbal and nonverbal components of communication are inconsistent with each other, the nonverbal component usually prevails (Preston, 2005).
The effect of such mixed messages is usually less than desirable. The recipient is often confused about the other person’s intent. He or she may feel uncertain or even inadequate ("Why can’t I figure out what you really want?"), and such feelings may turn to anger ("Why do I have to guess?") or withdrawal. These reactions are understandable under the circumstances. Faced with contradictory messages, most of us are unsure what to do: act on the first message or on the second one? Consider the following:
It really bothers me when my partner says we will make love when I get home from night school and then she is too busy studying to take a break. Even though it was her suggestion, sometimes I wonder if she had any intention to make love. (Authors’ files)
All of us can benefit from occasionally considering whether we are sending mixed messages. Try looking for inconsistencies between your verbal messages and your subsequent actions. Does your partner seem confused or uncertain when interacting with you? If you do spot yourself sending a double message, decide which one you really mean, then state it in unmistakable language. It can also be helpful to consider why you sent contradictory messages.
If you are on the receiving end of such messages, it may be helpful to discuss your confusion and ask your partner which of the two messages you should act on. Perhaps your partner will recognize your dilemma and act to resolve it. If she or he seems unwilling to acknowledge the inconsistency, it may be helpful to express your feelings of discomfort and confusion as the recipient of the conflicting messages.