Discovering what is pleasurable to your partner is an important part of sexual intimacy. Many couples want to know each other’s preferences but are uncertain how to find out. In this section, we look at some effective ways of learning about our partners’ wants and needs.
Asking Questions
One of the best ways to discover your partner’s needs is simply to ask. However, there are several ways of asking: Some can be helpful, whereas others may be ineffective or even counterproductive. We review a few of the most common ways of asking questions and the effect each is likely to have.
Love and Commnunication in Intimate Relationships
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yes/no question A question that asks for a one-word answer (yes or no) and thus provides little opportunity for discussing an issue. |
Yes/No Questions Imagine being asked one or more of the following questions in the context of a sexual interlude with your partner: 1. Was it good for you? 2. Do you like oral sex? 3. Do you like it when I touch you this way? At first glance these questions seem reasonably worded. However, they all share one characteristic that reduces their effectiveness: They are yes/no questions. Each asks for a one-word answer, even though people’s thoughts and feelings are rarely so simple. For example, consider question 2, "Do you like oral sex?" Either answer—"Yes, I do," or "No, I don’t"—gives the couple little opportunity to discuss the issue. Certainly, the potential for discussion exists. Nevertheless, in a world where sexual communication is often difficult under the best of circumstances, the asker may get no more than the specific information requested. In some situations, of course, a brief yes or no is all that |
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open-ended question a question that allows a respondent to share any feelings or information she or he thinks is relevant. |
is necessary. But the person responding might have mixed feelings about oral sex (for example), and the phrasing of the question leads to oversimplification. Open-ended questions, or questions that allow the respondent to state a preference, can make it easier for your partner to give accurate replies. Open-Ended Questions Some people find that asking open-ended questions is a particularly helpful way to discover their partners’ desires. The following list gives some examples of open-ended questions: 1. What gives you the most pleasure when we make love? 2. What things about our sexual relationship would you most like us to change? 3. What are your feelings about oral sex? A primary advantage of open-ended questions is that they allow your partner freedom to share any feelings or information she or he thinks is relevant. With no limitations or restrictions attached, you can learn much more than a simple yes/no answer could provide. One possible drawback of the open-ended approach is that your partner may not know where to begin when asked such general questions. Consider being asked "What do you like best about our lovemaking?" Some people might welcome the unstructuredness of this question, but others might have difficulty responding to such a broad query, particularly if they are not accustomed to openly discussing sex. If this is the case, a more structured approach may have a better chance of encouraging talk. There are several ways of structuring your approach; one is the use of either/or questions. |
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either/or question A question that allows statement of a preference. |
Either/Or Questions The following list gives examples of either/or questions: 1. Would you like the light on when we make love, or should we turn it off? 2. Is this the way you want to be touched, or should we experiment with a different kind of caress? 3. Do you want to talk now or later? Either/or questions offer more structure than do open-ended questions, and they encourage more participation than simple yes/no queries. People often appreciate the opportunity to consider a few alternatives. |
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206 CHApTER 7 |
Besides asking questions, we can discover the sexual needs of our partners in other ways. Here, we discuss three other communication techniques: self-disclosure, discussing sexual preferences, and giving permission.