Earlier we noted that it is wise to avoid confronting our partners when resentment or anger is riding high. However, there probably will be times when we feel compelled to express negative feelings. If so, certain guiding principles can help defuse a potentially explosive situation.
Avoid focusing your anger on the character of your partner ("You are an insensitive person"). Instead, try directing your dissatisfaction toward his or her behaviors ("When you don’t listen to my concerns, I think they are unimportant to you and I feel sad"). At the same time, express appreciation for your partner as a person ("You are very important to me, and I don’t like feeling this way"). This acknowledges that we can feel distressed by our partners’ behaviors yet still feel loving toward them—an often overlooked but important truth.
Negative feelings are probably best expressed with clear, honest "I" statements rather than with accusatory and potentially inflammatory "you" statements. Consider the following:
|
“You” Statements |
“I” Statements |
|
1. You don’t give a damn about me. |
1. Sometimes I feel ignored, and this |
|
2. You always blame me for |
makes me afraid for us. |
|
our problems. |
2. I don’t like being blamed. |
|
3. You don’t love me. |
3. I feel unloved. |
"I" statements are self-revelations, expressing how we feel without placing blame or attacking our partners’ character. In contrast, "you" statements frequently come across as attacks on our partners’ character or as attempts to fix blame. When we express a concern with a statement that begins with I instead of you, our partners are less likely to feel criticized and thus to become defensive. Furthermore, using "I" statements to express emotions such as sadness, hurt, or fear conveys a sense of our vulnerability to our partners. They may find it easier to respond to these "softer" emotional expressions than to accusations expressing resentment, anger, or disgust.