Contrary to the popular romantic image, no two people can fill all of each other’s needs all the time. It seems inevitable that people in an intimate relationship will sometimes need to register complaints and request changes. Accomplishing this may not be easy for caring individuals whose relationship is characterized by mutual empathy. The most effective way to voice a concern is to complain rather than to criticize (Gottman, 1994).
Complaining involves constructively expressing relationship concerns rather than criticizing (and is by no means synonymous with whining). Occasional constructive complaining actually benefits a relationship because it helps partners identify problems that need to be discussed and resolved. Complaining involves several of the strategies outlined in the following sections, such as being sensitive about when to express a complaint, using "I" language, and tempering complaints with praise. Complaints are voiced in the expectation that constructive change beneficial to both partners will occur.
In contrast, criticisms are often leveled to hurt, downgrade, express contempt, get even, or gain dominant status over a partner. Criticism almost always feels hostile (Wright, 2011), and it often involves "attacking someone’s personality or character— rather than a specific behavior—usually with blame" (Gottman, 1994, p. 73). Couple communication patterns tainted by expressions of denigration, criticism, and contempt can deeply harm a relationship. We discuss the effects of such negative communication tactics in more detail later in this chapter. When complaints pertain to the emotionally intense area of sexual intimacy, they can be doubly difficult to express and receive. Partners will want to think carefully about appropriate strategies for, and potential obstacles to, accomplishing these delicate tasks.