Discovering your partner’s needs can be made immeasurably easier by the practice we call giving permission. Basically, giving permission means providing encouragement and reassurance. One partner tells the other that it is okay to talk about specific feelings or needs—indeed, that he or she wants very much to know how the other feels about the subject.
He: I ‘m not sure how you like me to touch you when we make love.
She: Any way you want to is good.
He: Well, I want to know what you like best, and you can help me by saying what feels good while I touch you.
Many of us have felt rebuffed in our efforts to communicate our needs to others. It is no wonder that people often remain silent even when they want to share personal feelings. Giving and receiving permission to express needs freely can contribute to the exchange of valuable information and mutual trust.