From his observations of hundreds of couples, Gottman also identified destructive communication tactics. These tactics include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, and belligerence.
Criticism
As described earlier, criticism is different from complaining. Criticism that involves expression of contempt and denigration can harm a relationship. In contrast, complaining can be healthy because it allows expression of frustration and identifies issues that need to be discussed and resolved. Complaints are effectively registered with "I" language that focuses on the issue, whereas criticisms usually involve attacking someone’s character with "you" statements. Receiving a complaint stated as "I feel frustrated that our lovemaking has become somewhat predictable and routine" can feel very different from receiving a criticism stated as "You always want to make love in the same old way." The latter statement is likely to be taken as a personal attack, which puts the recipient in a defensive position that clearly does not encourage constructive dialogue.
Contempt
Contempt is similar to criticism, but it degrades communication to an even more intense level of negativity by adding insults, sarcasm, and even name-calling to the critical commentary. For example, someone might say, "You are so narrow and limited in your approach to lovemaking and life in general. How did I ever connect with such a stilted, boring person?" Contempt can also be expressed nonverbally by sneering, rolling one’s eyes, or ignoring a partner’s messages. This negative communication tactic causes emotional pain, does nothing to remedy or resolve issues, creates new problems in the form of defensiveness, anger, and resentment, and thereby erodes the quality of a relationship.