Ingredients commonly present in a lasting love relationship include self-acceptance, acceptance by one’s partner, appreciation of one another, commitment, good communication, realistic expectations, shared interests, equality in decision making, and the ability to face conflict effectively. These characteristics are not static; they evolve and change and influence one another over time. Often they need to be deliberately cultivated.
One review of the research on marital satisfaction reported that successful marriages that remain strong over the long haul often exhibit certain other characteristics (Karney & Bradbury, 1995):
■ Parents of both spouses had successful, happy marriages.
■ Spouses have similar attitudes, interests, and personality styles.
■ Both spouses are satisfied with their sexual sharing.
■ The couple has an adequate and steady income.
■ The woman was not pregnant when the couple married.
In another study, researchers asked a sample of 560 women and men to judge the importance of a number of different elements to the success of a marriage or a long-term committed relationship. Elements judged to be important for high-quality relationships included the following (Sprecher et al., 1995):
■ Supportive communication: Open and honest communication and a willingness to talk about difficult issues and concerns.
■ Companionship: Sharing mutual interests and enjoying many activities together.
■ Sexual expression: Spontaneity and variety in sexual sharing, and feeling sexually attractive to one’s partner.
In still another study of 300 happily married couples, the most frequently named reason for an enduring and happy marriage was seeing one’s partner as one’s best friend. Qualities that individuals especially appreciated in a partner were caring, giving, having integrity, and having a sense of humor. These couples were aware of flaws in their mates, but they believed that the likable qualities were more important. Many said that their mates had become more interesting to them over time. They preferred shared rather than separate activities, which appeared to reflect the richness in the relationship. Most couples were generally satisfied with their sex lives, and for some the sexual passion had become more intense over time (Lauer & Lauer, 1985). One recent study of over 1,000 middle-aged and older couples, together for a median of 25 years, found that satisfaction with their sexual functioning was a major predictor of relationship happiness for both men and women (Heiman et al., 2011).
Maintaining frequent positive interactions is crucial to continued satisfaction in a relationship. The saying "It’s the little things that count" is especially meaningful here.
Love and Commnunication in Intimate Relationships
When one partner says to the other, "You do not love me anymore," that often means, "You are not doing as many of the things as you used to do that show me you love me." These behaviors are often so small that the partners may not really notice them. However, when couples do fewer things to make one another feel loved (or when they stop doing them entirely), the deficit is often experienced as a lack of love. Continuing affectionate and considerate interaction helps maintain a feeling of love:
The kinds of things that enhance my feeling that my partner still loves me may seem quite inconsequential, but to me they aren’t. When he gets up to greet me when I come home, when he takes my arm crossing the street, when he asks, "Can I help you with that," when he tells me I look great, when he holds me in the middle of the night, when he thanks me for doing a routine chore — I feel loved by him. Those little things—all added up — make a tremendous difference to me. (Authors’ files)
It is also useful to talk with our partners, to communicate what is especially enjoyable, or to suggest new ideas. The golden rule ("Do unto others as you would have them do unto you") does not always apply in relationships, because people’s preferences are often quite different. One partner may not know what the other partner wants unless that person expresses it. Enjoyment with and appreciation of one another in nonsexual areas typically enhance sexual interest and interactions. Often couples report a lack of desire for sexual intimacy when they are not feeling emotionally intimate.