People are not mind readers. Nevertheless, many lovers seem to assume that their partners know (perhaps by intuition?) just what they need. People who approach sex with this attitude are not taking full responsibility for their own pleasure. If sexual encounters are unsatisfactory, it is often more convenient to blame a partner—"You don’t care about my needs"—than to admit that one’s own reluctance to express needs may be the problem. Expecting partners to somehow know what is wanted without telling them places a heavy burden on them. Many people think that they shouldn’t have to ask. But in fact, asking a partner to do something can be an affirmative, responsible action that helps both people.
Love and Commnunication in Intimate Relationships
Taking Responsibility for Our Own Pleasure
When two people are really in harmony with each other, you don’t have to talk about your sexual wants. You each sense and respond to the other’s desires. Talking just tends to spoil these magical moments. (Authors’ files)
The situation this person describes seems to exist more in the fantasyland of idealized sex than in the real world. As we just noted, people are not mind readers, and intuition leaves much to be desired as a substitute for genuine communication. A person who expects another to know his or her needs by intuition is saying, "It’s not my business to let you know my needs, but it is yours to know what they are," and by inference, "If my needs are not fulfilled, it is your fault, not mine." Needless to say, this is a potentially destructive approach that can lead to blaming, misunderstandings, and unsatisfying sex.
The best way to get our needs met is to speak up. Two individuals willing to communicate their desires and take responsibility for their own pleasure create an excellent framework for effective, fulfilling sexual intimacy. Deciding to assume responsibility for our own satisfaction is an important step. Just as important are the methods we select for expressing our needs. The way a request is made has a decided effect on the reaction it draws. Suggestions are listed in the next two sections.