Many of us tend to avoid confrontations with our partners. This understandable reluc­tance to deal with negative issues can result in an accumulation of unspoken complaints. Consequently, when we finally reach the point where we need to say something, it may be difficult to avoid unleashing a barrage of complaints that includes everything on our […]

Earlier we noted that it is wise to avoid confronting our partners when resentment or anger is riding high. However, there probably will be times when we feel compelled to express negative feelings. If so, certain guiding principles can help defuse a potentially explosive situation. Avoid focusing your anger on the character of your partner […]

People frequently use "why" questions as thinly veiled efforts to criticize or attack their partners while avoiding full responsibility for what is said. Have you ever asked or been asked any of the following questions? 1. Why don’t you make love to me more frequently? 2. Why don’t you show more interest in me? 3. […]

The strategy of tempering complaints with praise is based largely on common sense. All of us tend to respond well to a compliment, but we tend to find a harsh complaint or criticism difficult to accept, especially by itself. The gentler approach of combining compliment and complaint is a good way to reduce the negative […]

One important consideration for effectively verbalizing a complaint to your partner is to pick the right time and place. Choose the Right Time and Place Whenever my lover brings up something that is bothering her about our sex life, it inevitably is just after we have made love. Here I am, relaxed, holding her in […]

Contrary to the popular romantic image, no two people can fill all of each other’s needs all the time. It seems inevitable that people in an intimate relationship will sometimes need to register complaints and request changes. Accomplishing this may not be easy for caring individuals whose relationship is characterized by mutual empathy. The most […]

Counselors encourage their clients to use "I" language when stating their needs to oth­ers (Worden & Worden, 1998). This forthright approach brings the desired response more often than does a general statement. For example, saying "I would like to be on top" is considerably more likely to produce that result than "What would you think […]

The more specific a request is, the more likely it is to be understood and heeded. Lov­ers often ask for changes in the sexual aspects of their relationships in the vaguest language. It can be uncomfortable, even anxiety provoking, to be on the receiving end of an ill-defined request. Just how does one respond? Probably […]

People are not mind readers. Nevertheless, many lovers seem to assume that their part­ners know (perhaps by intuition?) just what they need. People who approach sex with this attitude are not taking full responsibility for their own pleasure. If sexual encoun­ters are unsatisfactory, it is often more convenient to blame a partner—"You don’t care about […]

Discovering your partner’s needs can be made immeasurably easier by the practice we call giving permission. Basically, giving permission means providing encouragement and reassurance. One partner tells the other that it is okay to talk about specific feel­ings or needs—indeed, that he or she wants very much to know how the other feels about the […]