Many people have a strong desire to seek variety in life’s experiences. They might acquire an assortment of friends, each of whom provides a unique enrichment to their lives. Likewise, they might read different kinds of books, pursue a variety of recreational activities, eat different kinds of foods, and take a variety of classes. Yet many of these same people settle for routine in their sex lives.
Unfortunately, many people enter into a committed relationship thinking that intense sexual excitement will always follow naturally when two people are in love. But, as we have seen in this chapter, the initial excitement must eventually be replaced by realistic and committed efforts to maintain the vitality and rewards of a working relationship. Once a person is committed to a primary partner, the variety offered by a succession of relationships is no longer available. Some individuals may need to seek variety in other ways.
Not every couple feels the need for sexual variety. Many people are quite comfortable with established routines and have no desire to change them. However, if you prefer to develop more variety in your sexual relationship, the following paragraphs may be helpful.
Communication is critical. Talk to your partner about your needs and feelings. Share with him or her your desire to try something different. Perhaps some of the guidelines for sexual communication discussed in the following sections will help you make requests and exchange information.
Even though time inevitably erodes the novelty of a relationship, the resulting decline of passion can be countered by introducing novelty into patterns of sexual sharing. This can be accomplished by avoiding routine times and places. Make love in places other than the bed (on the laundry room floor, in the shower, alongside a mountain trail) and at various times ("birdsong in the morning," a "nooner," or in the middle of the night when you wake up feeling sexually aroused).
Some of the most exciting sexual experiences take place on the spur of the moment, with little or no planning. It is easy to see how such experiences might occur frequently during courtship. It is equally apparent how they can become distant memories after a couple settles into the demanding daily schedule of living together. Nevertheless, you may find that striving to maintain this spontaneity will stand you in good stead as your relationship is nurtured over months or years together.
On the other hand, planning for intimate time—sexual and nonsexual—can also help maintain closeness. Make dates with one another and consciously continue the romantic gestures that came naturally early in the relationship. Commit your energy and time to your sexual relationship.
Do not let questions of what is "normal" get in the way of an enriched and varied erotic life. Too often, people refrain from experiencing something new because they believe that different activities are "abnormal." In reality, only you can judge what is normal for you. Sexologists concur that any sexual activity is normal so long as it gives pleasure and does not cause emotional or physical discomfort or harm to either partner. Emotional comfort is important because "discomfort and conflict rather than intimacy and satisfaction can result if behaviors are tried which are too divergent from personal values and attitudes" (Barbach, 1982, p. 282).
We do not mean to imply that all people must have active, varied sex lives to be truly happy; this is not the case. As we have already seen, some partners find comfort and contentment in repeating familiar patterns of sexual interaction. Others consider sex relatively unimportant compared with other aspects of their lives and choose not to exert special efforts in pursuing its pleasures. However, if your sexuality is an important source of pleasure in your life, perhaps these suggestions and others in this textbook will be important to you.
Do men and women differ in their desire for sexual variety? The cross-cultural research described in the Spotlight on Research box provides strong evidence that the sexes do differ in the desire for sexual variety.
In the remainder of this chapter, we discuss sexual communication: the ways people express their feelings and convey their needs and desires to sexual partners. We consider the reasons that such attempts are sometimes unsuccessful; we also explore ways to enhance this important aspect of our sexual lives.