Counselors encourage their clients to use "I" language when stating their needs to others (Worden & Worden, 1998). This forthright approach brings the desired response more often than does a general statement. For example, saying "I would like to be on top" is considerably more likely to produce that result than "What would you think about changing positions?"
Expressing requests directly may not always be effective. Some people want to make all the decisions, and they may not take kindly to requests from their partners during lovemaking. A partner’s assertiveness might offend them. You might want to determine whether this is your partner’s attitude before a sexual encounter, because doing so can help you avoid an awkward situation. One way to determine this is to ask the open- ended question "How do you feel about asking for things during lovemaking?" Or you might choose to wait and find out during sex play. At any rate, if a person appears closed
to direct requests, you may wish to reevaluate your strategy. Perhaps making your needs known at some time other than during sexual interaction will give your partner a more relaxed opportunity to consider your desires. Nevertheless, we strongly encourage you to use "I" language in whatever context you make your requests.