Demanding as it might be, this approach to parenting clearly has its own, very significant rewards. Professional middle-class parents take immense delight in the close bonds they believe they have established with each and every one of their children. Indeed, when asked specifically about the source of the deepest satisfaction they experience as parents, rather than pointing to their own or their childrens achievements and accomplishments or to morals and manners, they talk about their relationship with their children and about the pleasures they find in an intense, abiding connection. And it is here especially—in close bonds—that the professional middle-parents see themselves as carving out a new mode of parenting.
Recall how Susan Chase, an attorney from California, who noted that she participated in the counterculture of the sixties and that as a parent she chose to be very “kid centered,” casually suggested that her own parents “missed out” because they did not love their children as much as she loves hers. As evidence that she has created a different relationship with her children than her parents had with theirs, she proudly proclaimed that her son does not see her “as alien.” Moreover, Susan insisted that her involvement with her children is less self-centered (even if it is motivated by her own needs) than she believes her parents’ involvement was with her: “I have no idea [what my parents found satisfying]. … I can certainly imagine [my mother] taking pleasure in things [I did], but I can only think of it as a sort of reflection of herself kind of thing. ‘My child is being so clever’—or something like that.” Susan’s then, is the deeper satisfaction, contrasted with her mother’s concern with her own self-reflection.
Jeff Wright, the widowed father of a teenage daughter, similarly claimed that the interest he has in his daughter is deeper, more personal, and less focused on achievements than was the case for his parents.4 He positions himself as maintaining sufficient distance to observe and find pleasure in Katie’s independent development and simultaneously as being very close:
I think for me being a parent [what is most satisfying is] just watching this young woman grow and develop and discover things about herself and reveal things about herself that are just marvelous. It’s watching. It’s not quite a caterpillar turning into a butterfly—she’s always been a butterfly.
It’s new colors, new things, . . . watching her develop into a young, responsible poised adult. . . . She and I have been able to talk about things that are so difficult in terms of her mother’s illness and death, in terms of just being who she is. So it’s having those conversations and realizing how far—how many talents and abilities she has. And seeing them come to fruition is very satisfying. … I think families are much more child centered than they used to be. My mother never knew I was doing as well in school as I was. My father somehow was more aware of it. And they were not as focused on who our friends were and what we were up to. So I think they valued educational accomplishment, and I think they valued jobs and those opportunities. And I think that’s how their measurement of success was. (Emphasis added)
As Jeff watches his “butterfly” daughter, he is certain that he has satisfactions more profound than any his parents might have imagined.