The majority of couples spend too much time criticizing each other and not enough time really listening and making affectionate comments (P. Coleman, 2002). One partner often becomes defensive and angry when the other says something he or she doesn’t want to hear. For example, if your partner told you that he felt you weren’t giving enough to your relationship, you could hear this message with an open mind, or you could get angry and think, “What do you know about my time?” Let’s now talk about the importance of listening, constructive and nonconstructive communication, and verbal disagreements.
The Fine Art of Listening
One of the most important communication skills is nondefensive listening, which involves focusing your attention on what your partner is saying without being defensive (Gottman, 1994). Nondefensive listening relies on self-restraint, which is often absent in distressed couples, who have a difficult time hearing and listening to each other. It can be very difficult to listen fully, but this skill reduces your inclination to interrupt or to defend yourself. Active listening involves using nonverbal communication to let your partner know that you are attentive and present in the conversation. For example, as your partner talks, you can maintain eye contact to let him or her know you are actively listening.
Poor listeners often think that they understand what their partner is trying to say, but they rarely understand. Instead they try to find a way to circumvent the discussion and talk about something else. It’s very difficult to really listen to someone when you are angry or defensive. However, by really listening to your partner, you can learn to make the relationship stronger. Sometimes good listening skills can reduce the desire to change each other (M. P. Nichols, 1995)!