Earlier in this chapter we discussed the three competing goals of communication. Do you remember what they were? When we communicate with another person we have a task, a relational, and an identity management goal. How can we be successful in reaching these various goals?
The first goal is to get the job done. Often men and women are too afraid to share their thoughts with their partner. They do have a message that they would like to share with their partner, but something holds them back. Remember how good communication can make a relationship even better? It is important to put aside your vulnerability and fears and learn to communicate your thoughts to your partner. Get the job done!
The second goal isn’t always easy either. How can we maintain our relationship and not upset the applecart by communicating our thoughts and desires? Think through what you want to say, and realize the impact your message will have on your partner. How would you feel if your partner shared a similar thought? What might make it easier for you or your partner? Often timing is everything. Make sure that you have the time
:X in Real Life
Being a More-Effective Communicator
number of techniques can help us to communicate more effectively. Following we highlight some of the most important ways to become a more effective communicator.
1. Talk about good communication. When you need a good icebreaker to move into a conversation that will allow you to talk about intimate issues, a safe place to start is to talk about talking. This will let each of you discuss how it is sometimes difficult to talk about things. From there you can move into more personal and sexual areas.
2. Learn to accommodate the style of the other sex.
Tannen (1990) notes that when groups of men meet or when groups of men and women are together, the conversation tends to adopt men’s conversational and body-language styles. Only when women are alone do they feel able to relax their posture and assume their natural style. Understanding the style of the other sex and accepting it (that is, not seeing it as selfish, stupid, or a threat) will go a long way to improving communication.
3. Give helpful, supportive feedback. A good listener tries to understand what the speaker is really trying to say and what he or she really wants in return. Knowing your partner means knowing when your partner wants advice and when he or she just wants a sympathetic ear.
4. Do not wait until you’re angry. According to an ancient Chinese book of wisdom, the truly wise person handles things when they are small, before they grow too big. Let this guide you in your relationships. Discuss problems when you first realize them, while they are still small, and avoid the big, blowout fights.
5. Let go of the need to be right. In relationships, establishing who is "right" and "wrong" is never fruitful. What is fruitful is establishing how to improve communication and how to increase intimacy.
6. Ask questions. Remember to ask questions so that you can really understand your partners’ needs, desires, and thoughts.
7. Be responsible. Most people cannot read their partner’s mind. What is obvious to you may not be obvious to your partner. If you want something, ask for it, and be direct. For example, suppose you want your partner to be more romantic. "You never do anything romantic" is a challenge, whereas "let’s plan a romantic evening together" is a more direct and less threatening way to request the same thing.
8. Be supportive. Mix praise with your criticism; say things in positive rather than negative ways. In the previous example, an even better way to put it would be, "I love being alone with you, together, just talking. Let’s go out for a candlelight dinner tonight, just the two of us."
9. Learn to say no, gently. People sometimes get into relationship trouble because they do not know how to say "no" to their partners and end up resenting that they are doing things they do not want to do. Every person has a right to say no; in fact, it is a sign of trust and respect for your partner to believe that you can say no and still retain his or her love and affection. But saying no to a request is different from rejecting the person making it. "No" must be said in a way that reassures the partner that it is only the requested action you are refusing.
10. Be forgiving. In love relationships, we all make mistakes. We hurt our partners, we do something thoughtless, and we do a thousand little things we wish we could change. We are all human. Bringing up slights from the past is never helpful. When communication is done in a spirit of unconditional positive regard (which, we realize, is a very difficult state to achieve), all the other qualities of good communication will fall into place.
and energy to talk to your partner before you start. Five minutes before class is probably not the best time to start a conversation.
The identity management goal involves projecting a certain image of ourselves. We might want to tell our partner that we need more space or more time alone, but we don’t want to hurt his or her feelings. We certainly don’t want him or her to think we’re a “weirdo” for needing some alone time! How can we best share this message with our partner?
Finally, we must also consider the importance of other communication tools. The use of tag questions, which indicate uncertainty in conversation, should be limited (Vanfossen, 1996). Using tag questions can make a partner form an opinion about a per-
son that might not be correct. Nonverbal language is also important. Pay attention to the nonverbal cues that you notice in other people as well as the nonverbal cues that you are sending. What messages are you receiving/sending? Is the other person paying attention? How can you tell? Let’s talk about the importance of self-disclosure and asking for what you need.