. Don’t Forget to Breathe

who are in school together, or they may be preoccupied with concerns related to sur­vival, something from which most adolescents are shielded.

The pattern for young adolescents who have identified their homosexual feelings may be quite different from that of their heterosexual counterparts. Often, gay and lesbian adolescents feel that they don’t really fit into the dating scene and may try to hide their disinterest in the discussions of the other sex that so fascinate their friends (Faulkner & Cranston, 1998). Rates of depression, loneliness, drug and alcohol abuse, and suicide are significantly higher for gay, lesbian, and bisexual youths (Westefeld et al., 2001). The sui­cide attempt rate among these youths is much higher than for adolescents in general (B. K. Jackson, 2000; McDaniel et al., 2001). Though life can still be difficult for the ho­mosexual adolescents today, there is evidence that young people are becoming more ac­cepting of their gay, lesbian, and bisexual peers. Typically, gay and lesbian youths who feel

that if something were to happen to me no one would ever know. I was hoping that this guy would accept the fact that I wouldn’t hook up with him and would leave me alone. Soon my cell phone rang and he said he was look­ing for me. My legs were shaking as I got in his car.

Turns out, he drove me to a hotel and he told me he wanted a hookup and was going to get one. He forced me to perform oral sex on him, and later he had anal sex with me. It was a scary experience for me, and I felt dirty and used. After that night I promised myself I would never go online again. I felt that it was my own fault, and that I should have done something to change what could have happened that night. I started to doubt my sexual­ity, and went back to playing it "straight." But that didn’t last long, because I was drawn back to men. As much as I didn’t want to like men, and as bad as my first experi­ence was, there was something deep down inside that made me attracted to men. I didn’t know any other way to find others who were going through a similar experi­ence. I was very much in the closet and needed someone that could relate to what I was going through. I always considered talking to close friends and family about my sexuality, but felt like I would be rejected. Still feeling completely alone, I felt my only resort was the online chat room, hoping that just maybe my "knight in shining armor" would arrive.

Things didn’t get any better for me. When I was a freshman in college I thought it would be great to be on my own and to maybe experience coming out of the closet. But don’t think that happened smoothly. I didn’t even have a chance to tell my parents that I was bi/gay. During the fall of my freshman year, my parents were cleaning my room and found a note written by my first boyfriend. My mother and father were so upset with me and I felt like a failure to the family. When I got home my parents had left a paper on HIV/AIDS on my bed. I guess

it was a scare tactic to remind me of the risks of being gay. So, as hard as it was for me, I went back in the closet.

My mom said that it was just a phase. But I knew it was more than that, but I went along with what she said. She actually started to treat me more like her SON and not some alien. Since then (3 years later) I have remained in the closet with them. I have talked about it once or twice with them, because my parents often ask me if I am "happy." My response to that is NO because of who I re­ally am. So I’m still in the closet with my family. It is some­thing that I have to do, and I accept it. I plan on coming out completely to my family after I move out and begin a life of my own. So until then, I have no problem remain­ing in the closet.

At school I’m out to some of my friends. It has taken a lot of getting used to because I remembered how I felt when that guy in middle school thought I was gay. When I used to go to parties on campus up at school, I was al­ways worried that people thought I was gay. For the most part I have ALWAYS put on a "straight face." It seems pretty difficult, but it’s not.

If people could learn anything from reading this, it’s this: you only live life once. If you are struggling with your sexuality, don’t be afraid to actually talk to a friend or close relative about it because it is not fun to go through it alone. Whatever you do, don’t visit chat rooms. If you’re not ready to act on certain feelings, then don’t! You’d rather be safe then sorry, and in the long run the most important thing is that you are HAPPY! I am able to live by my own words because I realized what is impor­tant to me—my happiness, health, and above all, family. There is one saying that I put in my back pocket every day I step foot out into the real world, and that is. . . "Just Breathe. . . ."

Source: Author’s files.

Figure 8.3 Men and women experience impor­tant sexual and reproductive events at similar ages. Source: Alan Guttmacher Institute, In Their Own Right: Addressing the Sexual and Reproductive Health Needs of Men, 2002, page 8.
40
30
12.6
10
0
Menarche Semen — First arche intercourse Females Males	First marriage	First birth
Intend no more children

Sexual and reproductive timeline

they can talk to their parents about their sexual orientation have a much easier time ac­cepting themselves (D’Augelli et al., 2005). We will discuss this more in Chapter 11.

Because developing the adolescent sense of self is a delicate process, adolescents may be very sensitive to perceived slights and threats to their emerging ideas of “manhood” or “womanhood.” There is an unfortunate tendency among adolescents to portray cer­tain partners as “desirable” (football captain, cheerleader) and others as undesirable or outcast, which as you can imagine (or remember) can be extremely painful if you are on the wrong side of that judgment. Also, for gay, lesbian, and bisexual youths, family re­actions or self-expectations may result in depression or confusion. The development of a gay identity may challenge long-held or socially taught images of the acceptable way to be a man or a woman.