Overall, verbal disagreements aren’t a bad thing in relationships. In fact, couples who disagree are usually happier than those who say “We never, ever fight!” Disagreements are a common part of relationships. (It’s important to point out, however, that verbal disagreements are different from physical disagreements. We will discuss domestic violence in Chapter 17.) As we discussed earlier in this chapter, it is nearly impossible not to experience difficulties when you are sharing your space with another person. How you handle such disagreements is what is important. Research has shown that happier couples think more positive thoughts about each other during their disagreements, whereas unhappy couples think negatively about each other (P. Coleman, 2002). Even though a happy couple is disagreeing about an issue, they still feel positively about each other.
What happens after an argument? Generally, women are more likely to demand a reestablishment of closeness, whereas men are more likely to withdraw (Noller, 1993). Some couples have developed unique ways to end arguments. One couple told me that
when they want to stop arguing, they have agreed that whoever is ready first holds up a pinky finger. This signals to the other that they are ready to end the fight. The other partner must touch his or her pinky to the partner’s pinky to acknowledge that the fight is over. This isn’t always easy, but it has helped this couple to end arguments amicably.
Other suggestions include taking a time out and coming back to finish a discussion later, learning to compromise, or validating each others’ differences in opinions. Also remember that in every relationship, there are some issues that may simply be unresolvable. It’s important to know which issues can be worked out and which cannot. The question is: can you live with the irresolvable issues? How can you work on improving these issues?
Let’s continue to look at how improved communication can enrich personal sexuality and examine the importance of self-esteem and the qualities we look for in our partners.