The other day a floral delivery truck passed me on the highway, and the sign on its side said, “Increase your vocabulary: Say it with flowers.” What does this mean? What does it mean when you send flowers? What does it mean to receive them? Truth is, it can mean several things: “I love you,” “I’m sorry,” “I’ll never do it again,” “I’m a jerk,” “You’re a jerk,” “Sorry I made such a mess.” There are many different meanings, but what’s important to realize is that sending flowers is a nonverbal communication technique. In | fact, the majority of our communication with others is nonverbal (Guffey, 1999). This is because, even when we say nothing, we are communicating. We communicate through flowers, with periods of silence, and also by the way we move our body. We may change our facial expression, tilt our head, or move closer or further away from a person.
All of these nonverbal communication techniques tell our partner something.
Nonverbal communication behavior differs widely from culture to culture. For example, in Arab cultures, it’s common for people to stand very close to one another when conversing, regardless of their gender (Mulvaney, 1994). Although smiling is often a sign of happiness in the United States and many other countries, in many Asian countries smiling is a way to cover up emotional pain (Gunawan, 2001). Another common, nonverbal form of communication in the United States is to gesture with a palm up to call another person to come join the group. However, in Korea, the Philippines, and in certain parts of Latin America, this nonverbal behavior is viewed as rude and objectionable (Gunawan, 2001).
Nonverbal communication varies within the United States as well. When a friend tells you, “You’re the best” with a smile on her face and a relaxed body posture, you’ll probably believe her. But the same statement coming from a person who has arms crossed, teeth clenched, and eyebrows furrowed has a completely different message. Most likely, in this second situation, you’ll think that your friend is angry and being sarcastic. Body language helps fill in the gaps in verbal communication. When a man is uncomfortable, he may have a hard time maintaining eye contact, be unable to sit still, pick his fingernails, or play with his hair (Perry, 2000). When a woman feels positively about you she will maintain eye contact, smile, or touch you during the conversation. As humans, we are uniquely designed to read these nonverbal cues and respond accordingly.
How well can you read the nonverbal cues people around you share? Are you better at reading your partner’s nonverbals than those of, say, a friend? Can you ever know exactly what another person is saying nonverbally? The ability to do so is an important ingredient in successful interpersonal relationships. You might be better at reading your best friend’s nonverbal behavior than someone you have known only a short time. Overall, women are better at decoding and translating nonverbal communication (DeLange, 1995). Women’s nonverbal communication techniques include more eye contact and head nods, whereas men have fewer head nods, less eye contact, and minimal “encouragers” (nonverbal cues to let their partner know they are listening; Pearson et al., 1991). Women have also been found to smile, gaze, lean forward, and touch more often than men in conversation (Wood, 1999).
nonverbal communication
Communication without words (includes eye contact, head nodding, touching, and the like).
In one study that looked at first meetings between men and women, women were found to “flirt” using nonverbal cues (such as hair-flipping and head-nodding) in order to encourage men to reveal more about themselves, which would in turn allow the women to formulate an impression of the men (W. E. Martin, 2001). Men, on the other hand, view flirting as a way to show interest in a potential relationship (Henningsen, 2004).
When it comes to sex, verbal communication about your likes and needs is far better than nonverbal. Yet nonverbal communication can express your sexual desires, and it can be much less threatening than verbal communication. For example, if you would like your partner to touch your breasts more during foreplay, show this by moving your body more when he or she is doing what you like, or moving his or her hands to your breasts. You can moan, or even move more, to communicate your pleasure to your partner. You might also try performing the behavior on your partner that you wish she or he would do to you. However, there are problems with some types of nonverbal communication. As this couple demonstrates, it can often be misunderstood:
One woman attempted to communicate her preference for being kissed on the ears by kissing her partner’s ears. However, [she] found that the more she kissed her partner’s ears, the less he seemed to kiss hers. Over a period of time her kissing of his ears continued to increase, while his kissing of her ears stopped altogether. Finally she asked him why he never kissed her ears anymore, only to discover that he hated having his ears kissed and was trying to communicate this by not kissing hers. After their discussion, he began to kiss her ears, she stopped kissing his, and both were happier for the exchange. (Barbach, 1982, p. 105)