Because love also entails risk, dependency to some degree, and a strong connection between people, there is always the danger that the strength of the bond can be used by one partner to manipulate the other. Abusive love relationships exist when one partner tries to increase his or her own sense of self-worth or to control the other’s behavior through withdrawing or manipulating love.
For intimacy to grow, partners must nurture each other. Controlling behavior may have short-term benefits (you might get the person to do what you want for a while); but, long-term, it smothers the relationship. No one likes the feeling of being manipulated, whether it is subtle, through the use of guilt, or overt, through physical force. Part of love is the joy of seeing the partner free to pursue his or her desires and appreciating the differences between partners. Though every relationship has its boundaries, freedom within those agreed-upon constraints is what encourages the growth and maturation of both partners.
Possessiveness indicates a problem of self-esteem and personal boundaries and can eventually lead to stalking. Most states have passed stalking laws, which enable the police to arrest a person who constantly shadows someone (usually, but not always, a woman) or makes threatening gestures or claims (we will discuss this more in Chapter 17). Thinking about another person with that level of obsession is a sign of a serious psychological problem, one that should be brought to the attention of a mental health professional.
We started this chapter talking about the importance of love in our lives. The ability to form loving, caring, and intimate relationships with others is important for our emotional health and also our physical health. Love and intimacy are two of the most powerful factors in well-being. Love might not always be easy to understand, but it is a powerful force in our lives, and intimacy is an important component of mature love in our culture.
Childhood