Whenever we do something privately that we feel bad about, it has an impact on our emotions, even if we’re not aware of why we’re feeling what we’re feeling. Becoming easily irritated at even little things and eventually becoming depressed are common occurrences for regular porn users. No matter how much pleasure they may be getting from their porn use, most users understand—at least subconsciously—that many people disapprove of their behavior. Most porn users keep their activities a secret, because they know that society as a whole labels people who use porn regularly as sexually “perverted” or “predatory.”
Even when we can “get away with it” and no one is the wiser, using porn as a sexual outlet often creates conflicting feelings that can start to take a toll on the user on an unconscious, internal level. We may experience a strong desire for it, but also be ashamed of doing it. When this happens, we are pulled in two different directions and our physiological and emotional systems get stressed. We can only endure this tug-of-war of emotions for so long before the consequences of our porn use spill out into other parts of our lives. Because we don’t usually feel comfortable talking to loved ones, friends, coworkers, or even health-care professionals about these conflicting feelings we’re having, many of us suffer in silence—getting angrier, more anxious, and more deeply depressed.
Many former porn users tell us that as their porn use continued, they began feeling easily irritated and annoyed with things that in the past had been easy to ignore or be patient with. The driver behind us becomes an “asshole,” our significant other is “stupid” for forgetting to pick up an item at the store, our children are “annoying.” Without realizing it, we project our upset and negative feelings about our porn behavior onto situations and people in our lives.
Bill, who is in his mid-thirties, said, “When I was using pornography heavily, I was angry a lot. I was not together professionally and I was not together personally. I’d compare myself to my wife and felt very inferior. She seemed so productive in her life. I was frustrated with my shortcomings, always defensive about things, and afraid of being caught. My feelings manifested as anger. I had a short fuse, a hair-trigger reaction to almost anything that bothered me. It was a huge side effect and I really wasn’t aware of its connection to porn at the time.”
As unpleasant as negative emotions such as anger and anxiety are, they can also lead to increased porn use. Negative emotional outbursts create distance between a porn user and whomever he fears might discover his porn use. Many porn users take the old cliche “the best defense is a good offense” to heart. They strike out at others as a way to deflect attention away from themselves and their secret activities with porn. In addition, they may pick fights, harbor resentments, or hold grudges in order to justify acting out with more porn. Rudy, a former porn user, said, “While I was still using pornography, I was a very angry person— verbally abusive, mean, and controlling. My wife and I fought all the time. Then I’d go comfort myself by using porn and telling myself she drove me to it.”
Porn users also often feel angry when they discover just how hooked they have become on porn. Anger can unconsciously be used to mask their underlying feelings of shame and embarrassment at not being able to get the porn images out of their minds or stay away from using it. Keith, a father in his early thirties, told us, “I thought when I got married the porn would stop. Well, it stopped for a few months. Then I figured it would stop when I had my first child. Again, it stopped but only for a few more months. And when we had our second child, same thing. With each failure my anger only increased. I snapped at everything that moved.” While some people like Keith show their anger externally, others internalize it and their anger turns into depression. Rather than get upset with others, a porn user may turn his feelings of disappointment and hopelessness against himself. Depression is also very common whenever we feel trapped in a situation that is causing us stress but can’t see a way out or can’t manage to do what it takes to get ourselves out. For some people, when depression and hopelessness persist for long periods of time, they may begin to entertain thoughts of suicide as well.
Unfortunately, porn doesn’t come with warning labels and it can take a long time to make the connection between porn use and these negative emotional responses. Corey told us, “In the past, I didn’t associate the long-term effects I was experiencing to the behavior of out-of-control porn viewing. For example, I felt fatigued a lot. Lack of energy for me is a major indicator of depression. Instead of seeing it as related to my compulsive use of porn, I attributed it to not eating right and having other health problems. I don’t think I even thought about my lack of energy and depression as possibly being related to porn use until I went to prison and actually experienced relief of some of my symptoms.” Ideally, when negative emotions such as depression, anger, and anxiety surface, we can become motivated to get help and make important life changes. Sometimes, however, people respond to their unpleasant feelings by turning even more to porn, their “drug of choice” for soothing emotional distress. Porn works, but only temporarily. In the long run it just fuels more feelings of anger and depression, and it sucks the porn user further down into their emotional suffering.