Nothing beats a feeling of being powerful and in control, especially in something as instinctive and primal as sex. And porn delivers. Using porn as a source of entertainment can give you the illusion of being powerful and in control of what is happening. Tim, a reference librarian in his late forties, really got off on the power of porn. He says, “Porn makes me feel like a pasha enjoying his harem. I just show up and sit there. All these women perform for me—dancing, gyrating, and showing their bodies. They’re under my control, performing for me.”
Steven, a twenty-nine-year-old mental-health worker, agrees. “The part I liked best about pornography was that I had control over the sexual action. I didn’t have to beg for sex. I could have sex when I wanted, with the kind of person I wanted, in exactly the way that I wanted. I didn’t have to adjust my behavior in any way. It was time for me.”
The sense of power experienced in sports like hunting can be similar to how you feel when searching for arousing pornography on the Internet, on cable TV, or in adult stores. As with capturing prey, you can look for it, circle around it, target it, and then go in for the “kill” by purchasing or downloading the porn. Some porn users tell us that the hunt and conquest feeling that blends with sexual arousal is even more satisfying than having an orgasm. Porn users can also feel quite powerful in being able to acquire free porn, secretly access it, and cover up their porn use so they won’t get caught.
One of the things many people like best about porn is that it allows them to be a voyeur, which may be a power trip of its own, since it involves something that is illegal in real life. Voyeurism is the act of achieving sexual arousal by observing an unsuspecting and nonconsenting person who is undressed, unclothed, and/or engaged in sexual activity. In the role of voyeur you get to look at things you’re not supposed to be seeing. You’re able to watch other people while they can’t see (or stop) you in return. Voyeurs have the upper hand in a relationship because, while they have the prerogative of critiquing, judging, and—with the simple click of a mouse—rejecting someone else, they don’t have to suffer being similarly scrutinized or sexually snubbed.
Of course, intellectually, we all understand that the power pornography gives us isn’t real. The sexy, willing partners portrayed on the screen or in magazines aren’t actually available to us. We are not really in control of the sexual situations and fantasies. Someone else is creating the scenes, calling the shots. Unfortunately, believing for a few moments (or hours) that we do have that kind of power can mislead us into believing that power over someone else is more important than caring about and being responsive to a sexual partner. Porn’s focus on power teaches a self-centered approach to sex that causes all kinds of problems in real life.