Many people who watch porn experience feelings of sexual arousal that flood their bodies with intense sensations and stimulate a desire for sexual release. But this type of fantasy-oriented, product-driven sexual experience does not appeal to everyone. People who thoroughly enjoy sex with their current partner, or those who feel good about their non-porn masturbation practices are less likely to feel a need or desire for pornography. In our counseling work we’ve noticed that one of the things many people who do not cultivate an ongoing relationship with porn have in common is that they feel secure and confident about themselves sexually.
Take Jeff, for example, a forty-five-year-old small business owner who has been married for twenty years. He shared, “When I was in my twenties, I was curious about pornography, because I wanted to know what different types of women looked like naked, and how different women behaved when sexually aroused. I also wanted to discover the different types of sex acts that I could explore with my wife. As time went by, however, my curiosity about pornography dissipated. I think that happened because I was so completely fulfilled in my sex life with my wife. I experienced her accepting me and enjoying me sexually. We have really good communication, and I can explore my curiosity about sex with her without feeling bad or ashamed. And, I can experience things sexually with her that I could never get through pornography: the smell of her, the feel of her, and the body-to-body contact. It turns me on to experience her sexual arousal and enjoyment. Also, when I masturbate, I prefer to fantasize about a great sexual experience I’ve had with my wife in the past, or something I’d like to experience with her in the future. Looking at porn puts images in my head that get in the way of what I already enjoy and am satisfied with. I just don’t want that!”
Like Jeff, we heard from a number of people that their porn use disappeared on its own as soon as they became more sexually experienced and secure. This is what is happening for Jack, the sporting goods manager, as he gains real-life experience in a sexual relationship. His porn “training wheels” are no longer necessary. He now prefers sexual self- pleasuring that doesn’t involve pornography. His real sexual experiences have replaced porn as fodder for his erotic imagination. He has his own past experiences and more realistic future imaginings to draw upon for sexual stimulation.
Thirty-three-year-old Phil told us how his desire to be present in his own experience clashed with the fantasy world of porn that didn’t involve him. “I dislike how porn takes me outside of myself. For me the most pleasurable sex happens when I’m inside myself—aware of my sensations and my own sexual thoughts. I avoid porn for selfish reasons. I want control over my own sexual experience.”
The feeling that porn offers an inferior version of sex is central to why some people give up porn when they move beyond adolescence and their early twenties. For some, experiencing the sensual and immediate pleasures of sexuality with another person immediately makes porn an unsatisfying substitute for the real thing.
1. Wanting Emotional Intimacy
The desire to be in a close, meaningful sexual relationship can work as a strong deterrent to getting regularly or heavily involved with porn. It doesn’t take viewing much porn as an adult to realize that it doesn’t place value on or portray intimate and committed sexual relationships. As a writer for the group Men Against Pornography wrote, “Pornography, many men find, actually prevents intimacy between people. Even though it seems to ‘turn you on,’ it actually encourages you to ‘shut off ’ those feelings that help you feel really close to someone.”
Phil’s interest in sex with a real life partner contributed to his moving away from porn. “Sex is always best when I’m with a lover. For me sex has always been something sacred. It’s private. When I’m with a partner I want to be fully present and relating well with her.”
Richard, a twenty-eight-year-old waiter, also values intimacy with a partner. He became aware of how porn can work against emotional closeness one evening when he and his girlfriend watched some porn together. He told us, “It was a real hot movie. We got very aroused and started making love about halfway through. The images from the movie kept replaying in my head even as I was touching my girlfriend. The sex was intense, but mentally we were each off in this other world. As arousing as it was, we felt we had just used each other for physical release. I missed the kind of closeness we share when we are making love and it is just the two of us in the bed, and in my mental awareness.” Richard said that the memory of this event helps squelch any desire he might have to rent another porn movie.
Max, still in his twenties, was influenced by his parents’ close marriage and eventually wants to experience a relationship like they had. This goal of a long-term, happy, committed relationship with someone has contributed to his waning interest in porn. “I knew from interacting with the opposite sex and from having good role models in my life that pornography is a fantasy realm,” he said. “It’s never been anything I’d want to replicate in real life. It shows no real sexual intimacy or partnership. Why bother with it?”
In addition, Max respects the fact that a close, intimate relationship requires honesty and openness—a tall order for anyone who is maintaining a relationship with porn on the side. He explains, “I never felt completely comfortable looking at porn by myself because of the secretiveness of it. It wasn’t that I worried I’d get caught—my parents completely respected my privacy. I just felt bad about doing something I had to keep secret and hidden behind closed doors. I don’t like the idea of anything keeping me emotionally separate from people I care about.”
When people value and desire emotional closeness in a relationship they may also choose to stay away from porn to honor their partner’s desires. Duncan, a twenty-two-year-old college senior, said, “My girlfriend doesn’t appreciate porn. And, she’s told me in more ways than one that she doesn’t appreciate me appreciating it. Porn makes her feel that she is not enough and that I have to seek sources outside our relationship to feel sexually satisfied. That’s the total opposite of my reality. She is much more exciting than porn. I understand her feelings, though, and don’t want her to be unhappy, so I stay away from porn.”
As you can tell from these examples, the factors that inhibit forming a relationship with porn vary widely and often interrelate to one another. If you are turned off to porn because of how it can interfere with emotional closeness with a partner, you will be less likely to surround yourself with it, and thus come in contact with it less often. Similarly, if using porn goes against your religious or spiritual values and you have matured enough to feel more confident about your sexuality, these two inhibitors may work together to encourage you to become less involved with it. The stronger the inhibitors you have in your life, the more likely you will move away (and stay away) from having a relationship with porn.
The inhibiting factors working in your life will be as unique as those of the people whose stories we have told here. We encourage you to do the following exercise, “What Moves Me Away from Porn?” to understand the factors that are working to prevent or limit your porn use right now. Keep in mind, however, that your score may vary over time, depending on new experiences and insights, and the future choices you make regarding porn.