In one key way the Holts were typical of the vast majority of two- job couples: their family life had become the shock absorber for a stalled revolution whose origin lay far outside it—in economic and cultural trends that bear very differently on men and women. Nancy was reading books, newspaper articles, and watching TV […]

In the past, Nancy had compared her responsibilities at home, her identity, and her life to Evans, and had compared Evan to other men they knew. Now, to avoid resentment, she seemed to com­pare herself more to other working mothers—how organized, ener­getic, and successful she was compared to them. By this standard, she was doing […]

There was a moment, I believe, when Nancy seemed to decide to give up on this one. She decided to try not to resent Evan. Whether or not other women face a moment just like this, at the very least they face the need to deal with all the feelings that naturally arise from a […]

Not long after this crisis in the Holts’ marriage, there was a dra­matic lessening of tension over the issue of the second shift. It was as if the issue was closed. Evan had won. Nancy would do the sec­ond shift. Evan expressed vague guilt but beyond that he had nothing to say. Nancy had wearied […]

Between 8:05 a. m. and 6:05 p. m., both Nancy and Evan are away from home, working a “first shift” at full-time jobs. The rest of the time they deal with the varied tasks of the second shift: shop­ping, cooking, paying bills; taking care of the car, the garden, and yard; keeping harmony with Evans […]

N ancy Holt arrives home from work, her son, Joey, in one hand and a bag of groceries in the other. As she puts down the groceries and opens the front door, she sees a spill of mail on the hall floor, Joeys half-eaten piece of cinnamon toast on the hall table, and the phone […]

I N the apartment across from the little study where I work there is a large bay window that never fails to catch my eye. Peering out from inside, wide-eyed and still, is a life-sized female man­nequin in an apron. Her arms are folded and have been for years. She’s there guarding the place, waiting. […]

As I watched couples in their own homes, I began to realize that couples sometimes develop “family myths”—versions of reality that obscure a core truth in order to manage a family tension.3 Evan and Nancy Holt managed an irresolvable conflict over the distribution of work at home through the myth that they now “shared it […]

The interplay between a man’s gender ideology and a womans im­plies a deeper interplay between his gratitude toward her, and hers toward hiln. For how a person wants to identify himself or herself influences what, in the back and forth of a marriage, will seem like a gift and what will not. If a man […]

When a man tries to apply his gender ideology to the situations that face him in real life, unconsciously or not he pursues a gen­der strategy.2 He outlines a course of action. He might become a “superdad”—working long hours and keeping his child up late at night to spend time with him or her. Or […]