Once you’ve tamed your inner-guilt monster, you are ready to welcome that most wonderful of words into your vocabulary. We’re certain you barely use it. But it’s a potent combination of two letters that could routinely save our sanity. Go ahead. Say it. You know the word we mean.
NO.
Are we simply allergic to it, terrified of the consequences? What do we really think will happen if it becomes a regular part of our speech? Maybe the world would be rocked by an Armageddon of hurt feelings? Perhaps our pictures would be blasted through cyberspace as modern-day Leona Helmsleys? Or worst of all, people might be—disappointed?
Maybe. But here’s the fundamental problem. When we are so eager to please everyone and avoid people being cross with us, we end up saying yes to a lot of things we don’t really want. This of course means we end up spending more time working than we really want. And that’s why you are reading this book.
“In the past I tended to be a ‘yes ’person,” Stephanie Hampton, the Marriott spokesperson told us. “I’d say ‘yes’ to just about anything and everything, in the belief that I was building a reputation for myself as a can-do, go-to person. I looked around and noticed that a lot of successful people don’t say ‘yes’ to everything; they are more strategic. They say ‘yes’ for a variety of reasons. True, sometimes it’s based on who’s doing the asking. But most of the time successful people choose to say ‘yes’ to strategic or value-added work. So now I think about whether a project will put ‘heads on beds’ or otherwise enhance the brand reputation of Marriott. If the answer is no, it’s usually just busywork, and I try to find a way to say ‘no’ without saying ‘no.’ ”
Our New York lawyer, Linda Brooks, says she still backslides. “I think people don’t like to be told no, so I have to get a thicker skin and resist the urge to please everyone, because I sit there and think, ‘oh my God he hates me now,’ and ‘he’s never going to give me another deal’ and ‘I’m sure the partners are going to vote next week to kick me out of the partnership because I said “no” to that deal.’ My head goes there. So it does take a bit of thickening of the skin. But it does get easier.”
You may not believe it now, but tossing off no will become second nature. It’s a must-have tool for implementing Women — omics. You’ll see in the upcoming chapters how much use it gets. Once you’ve really set your goals, you will be much clearer about what you want to tackle and what you don’t want to take on. It gets refreshingly simple actually—that weekend assignment, no; those extra hours, no; that promotion with all the travel and increased responsibility, no. You will learn not just to say “no,” but also to think no, mean no, and act no.
And yes, employing it may mean you disappoint, anger, and annoy. But it will also mean you are happier, healthier, and more straightforward. It’s certainly a better situation for you and, also, therefore, for everyone in your life in the long run. Even the recipients of your nos!
claire I’ve always been an ardent people pleaser. For some reason, I grew up with the sense that saying yes as much as I can is more important than anything else. Disappointing people, letting them down—just the thought of that can send me into guilt spasms for days. I came to believe that being thought of as a "nice” person was the ultimate achievement. And I still believe that compassion and caring are at the top of my list. But I’ve also come to understand that my "yes” behavior could be intensely frustrating and stressful to me, my family and friends, and the people getting my "yesses.” I was constantly taking on more than I could handle—and then having to back out of projects or commitments—making the very people I was trying to help angrier than they would have been in the first place after just hearing a "no.” Once my son was born, I started to understand that I had to cut back on my people-pleasing, since I had someone who wanted and needed my attention so much, and he was clearly my priority. But I was still trying to do too much until one incident radically changed my outlook. I’d said yes to a trip out west for a story that I knew was not a top priority, but I didn’t want to "let down” the senior producer who’d asked me. I was juggling other projects, one of which then went on the air to tepid reviews. On top of that, my husband and I had barely seen each other, and my son was quite clingy. I came back from the trip with my typical chest cold, which my doctor finally told me she believed was stress — induced, since I managed to get it seven or eight times a year. I spent two days limping around the house, fighting with my husband instead ofhaving a nice weekend with him as we’d planned, and I was too sick and tired to go to my son’s first swimming lesson. And I finally had to tell the senior producer I just could not finish her project, which had her livid, to say the least. It was an ugly period, for sure, but a critical awakening for me about the power, and the necessity, of no.
We’ll walk you through some very situation-specific ways to say “no” in chapters 5, 6, and 7. But first, you must have the psychological grounding, the mental readiness to deploy this powerful instrument without fretting about what people think of you when you use it. You really will come to believe that no is not negative. It’s as positive as it gets.