The key to this kind of no is the delivery, since you’re trying to communicate a very clear message in an inoffensive way. It’s a difficult task, but it’s doable. The things to remember, which will always serve you well:
Mind your manners: Make good eye contact, smile, be friendly. Remember, you are saying no. You can afford to be gracious.
Keep it clear: If the request is unclear, ask for immediate clarification. “What are you asking exactly?” “Who else might be able to do it?” “Who will be able to help?” Keep it all crisp, and speak in an objective, information-gathering tone.
Take your time: It’s always OK to buy time, especially while you get used to this new state of affairs. “Let me think about it and go over my obligations and get back to you.” “I can’t talk right now; I’m on the other line. Can I call you back?” You will often say a better no or yes if you have enough time to think. Just remember: if you decide to say “no,” don’t hesitate. Any hesitation leaves an opening for the person making the request.
Keep it simple: The fewer words the better. Ideally, we could all get by with a simple no and turn and walk away, a la Clint Eastwood. That’s the real power move, but in our experience, it’s unrealistic. So we’ve come up with a more nuanced no, which we’ve come to call our
NO SANDWICH
(You’ll soon be addicted!)
on top
Breezy and sincere apology or praise
“I wish I could help.” “Ordinarily I’d love to.” “That’s just what I’d want to do.”
the filling
Crisp, plain hearty NO meat
“ I have other obligations/deadlines/plans/meetings.”
“My schedule won’t let me take that on.”
the bottom
An alternative
“What about Tuesday/next week/Carrie Logan/hiring a temp?”
“I could assign Bert to that if you like.”
Plans. Have them. A lot of them. We love this method. Remember, saying you have plans, the filling layer of our sandwich, does not mean you are engaged away from home, or even at an office event. Having plans can mean a date with your favorite book or TV show, dinner with the kids, or an afternoon of lying around. You don’t owe anyone the details. Use it constantly.
Cite a policy. If you need more help finding good NO filling for your sandwich, it can help to come up with a set of personal policies. They can be handy comebacks for both personal and work requests on your time. “Oh, I wish I could, but we have a family policy that we don’t go out during the week,” or “Friday night is our movie night, I’m sorry.” Even for work requests: “I make it a policy never to travel more than once a week. Will next week work?” “Our family policy is no business breakfasts until the children are out the door to school. What about 9 a. m. coffee?”
Policies sound official, and even citing a family policy at work makes you seem organized and thoughtful. Further, it can make the no less personal and random. You are not saying “no” to the person—but rather blaming the policy. It can remove the sting. And best of all, you may find it actually helps you come up with a better set of priorities!
The diplomat’s no: There are many ways to say “no” that don’t require you to actually utter those two fatefully combined letters. You should be able to say “no” outright, if that’s how you feel, but the truth is that sometimes you won’t have that confidence. And other times, the diplomat’s no is simply part of a more effective strategy.
You can also think of it as a burden shift. It’s actually a critical part of the bottom layer of our NO Sandwich. It’s ideal if you can say yes to part of the request, and no to part—then you get credit for being a “yes” person, but you get to handle things more on your terms. Using a time frame is often your answer. “I’d love to. I’d be able to get it to you three weeks from Monday. Will that work?” “Absolutely, you’ll have it tomorrow. But I’ll have to give you the Condon account next week. I assume that’s OK?”
“I often say ‘I’d love to help, but these are my priorities right now,’ ” says Christy Runningen. “ ‘ Can I get back to you next week with this piece of it? Here’s what I’m up against, so can we push this part of it to Thursday?’ ” It’s honest, and it shows you’re trying to compromise and often can encourage them to find other solutions.”
Robin Ehlers often likes to rely on her “calendar.”
“Just the other day, somebody called me from Minneapolis and said we’re taping this segment on one of our food products on November 14th and wanted to make plans for me to be there.
I just told her, ‘You know, I’ll look at my calendar and see if I can work it in with some other appointments and let you know.’ And it’s one of those things in my mind I went through like this: ‘Okay, so what’s the big deal about me being there? Yes, I should be there as a representative for General Mills, but I’m not going to get any business for it. You know, I might meet some people at the station, but there’s nothing there for me down the road.’ So I just kind of walked through and decided I probably won’t go unless I can tie in something else valuable with that.”
Here’s our New York lawyer’s version of the diplomat’s no:
“ ‘Oh, I would love to. Oh my God, that sounds so interesting. I wish I could, let me think about that and get right back to you.’ Then I call them back and I say, ‘No, I can’t.’ ”
Christy Runningen also likes questions.
“Whenever I get that cringing feeling inside as I start to hear an overwhelming request, the first thing I usually ask is: ‘Why do you need my help? What is it that you’re trying to get to?’ I have a master’s degree in psychology, and so I tend toward questions. And often we find out together that there’s another solution.”
katty This is a really hard one for me. I hate the idea that people won’t like me, so I’ll bend over backward to accommodate and please people. I’m also terrible at confrontation, and you don’t need a PhD in psychology to see the two are related. I used to avoid saying no to people, but now with four kids and a job I’ve just had to force myself to do it. I’m still not very good at the bald-faced NO though. I still fear the negative reaction that it will provoke. So I get around it by dressing up my nos in soft language. I don’t have the confidence yet to say, "No, and by the way you were out of order even asking that,” so I’ll say, "That sounds like an interesting opportunity, but I’m afraid I have too many commitments.” I should work on the blunt NO, though—I think it would ward off further requests.
Take the bull by the horns: Once you make your decision, it’s yours to fight for. You’ve gone through all the processing, probably some soul-searching, and you’ve found the answer to what once seemed like a Sphinx’s riddle. So, go after it with confidence. Don’t water down the delivery with problem language like “I think. . .” or “maybe if. . .” or “I’m unsure about. . .” You’ll get trapped!
Say it early: Be active about any no, once you see it’s in range. Again—being definite and firm makes you seem organized, in charge, and on the offensive.
claire I’d been envisioning this particular train crash for months, and it would knot up my stomach every time I thought about it. The Republican National Convention was conveniently scheduled for the first week of September 2008, coinciding exactly with the first week of school for both of my children, then three and six. My husband had to be at the convention too, but even if he could have stayed home,
I would have wanted to be at home to help with the emotional preparation for both kids entering new classes. I think most parents know getting ready for that first day, and being there when they get home to hear the tales of excitement or woe, is critical parent time. In my mind, I’d decided there was simply no way I could be away. But I also knew ABC would almost certainly expect me to be at the convention. Finally, I decided to jump in BEFORE they started planning convention coverage. In late May, I sat down with the executive producer and told him bluntly there was an approaching issue. I told him I knew this could be a problem, but that there was simply no way I’d be able to go to the Republican convention for them. And I told him why, leaving no doubt about where I needed to be that week. Firm, but not combative, was my goal. He thought about it and mulled it over, thinking to himself who might go and what that would mean, and then he said, "We should be able to handle that.”
I was walking on air the rest of the day. It was such a burden lifted from my shoulders. And I really believe because I got in there early, it made a difference. Had they already put me on a list and started planning work for me, they would have been more invested in my presence, and then it might have been a showdown.