Even happily paired couples occasionally butt heads on certain issues, and Gottman’s research suggests that some degree of conflict is actually essential to the long-term happiness of a relationship. While studying couples’ interaction patterns and reported levels of satisfaction over time, Gottman and his colleagues made a rather startling discovery. Couples in the early stages of a relationship who experienced some conflicts and arguments reported less satisfaction than early-stage couples who rarely or never argued. However, after 3 years the situation reversed itself, and couples who occasionally argued reported significantly more relationship satisfaction than those who avoided arguments.
What accounts for this seemingly paradoxical finding? Gottman suggests that couples who do not argue are likely ignoring important issues that should be addressed rather than left to fester and erode happiness. When problems are never discussed and resolved, both partners can harbor feelings of resentment and frustration that, when allowed to build over time, can drive a wedge between them. In contrast, conflict in a relationship fulfills the crucial role of identifying issues that need to be discussed for the relationship to thrive. Gottman found that some of his long-term happy couples actually used rather passionate or volatile dialogue to resolve conflicts.