Toddlers are not yet aware of the idea of sexuality or genital sexual relations. Like infants, toddlers and young children engage in many behaviors that involve exploring their bodies and doing things that feel good. Both girls and boys engage in self-stimulation. Over 70% of mothers in one study reported that their children under age 6 self-stimulated (Okami et al., 1997). Almost all research reports that boys do so more than girls, though girls may self-stimulate more than is reported, because they can often do it more subtly (e. g., by rubbing their legs together). One mother commented about her 5-year-old daughter:
Jessica would masturbate every night just before she fell asleep. She would lie on her stomach with her hands between her legs and rock back and forth. She didn’t seem embarrassed or uptight about me walking in and finding her. She’d just smile and tell me that it felt really good. (Author’s files)
Self-stimulation is actually more common in early childhood than later childhood, though it picks up again after puberty (Friedrich et al., 1991). The act may be deliberate and obvious and may even become a preoccupation; some children insist on keeping their pants and underwear off to have easy access to their genitals. Boys at this age are capable of erection, and some proudly show it off to visitors. Parental reaction at this stage is very important; strong disapproval may teach their children to hide the behavior and to be secretive and even ashamed of their bodies, whereas parents who are tolerant of their children’s emerging sexuality can teach them to respect and take pride in their bodies. It is perfectly appropriate to make rules about the times and places that such behavior is acceptable, just as one makes rules about other childhood actions, such as the correct time and place to eat or to urinate.
Child sex play often begins with games exposing the genitals (“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours. . .”) and, by the age of 4, may move on to undressing and touching, followed by asking questions about sex around the age of 5. Sometimes young children will rub their bodies against each other, often with members of the same sex, which seems to provide general tactile pleasure. In one study, 48% of parents reported that their children under 6 years old had engaged in sex play with another child (Okami et
al., 1997).
Question: Is it damaging to a child to see his or her parents naked? What about accidentally seeing them making love?
For many years in Western society, it has been thought that children would be somehow traumatized by seeing their parents naked. In fact, nudity is natural and common in many cultures, such as Scandinavian countries, which have a reputation for physical health and beauty. Parents’ casual nudity, openness to sexual questions, and willingness to let their children sleep at times in their beds has been found to be correlated with generally positive overall effects on the well-being of children (Lewis & Janda, 1988; Okami et al.,
1998) . If parents are caught making love, their best tactic is not to be upset but to tell the child calmly that the parents are showing each other how much they love each other and would prefer to do it in private. Then they should teach the child to knock on their bedroom door in the future. More trauma can come from the parents’ overreaction than from the sight of lovemaking.