To See or Not to See—The. Consequences of Porn

hen I was in law school, I invited a really smart, good­looking woman from one of my classes up to my apartment to listen to some music,” Brent, a twenty — seven-year-old attorney, recalled. “As she made her way into the living room to have a seat, I slipped into the kitchen to get us some drinks. Less than a minute later, she showed up at the kitchen door with a sour expres­sion on her face and started making excuses about why she needed to go home. After I called her a cab and walked her out, I went back into my apartment. There, spread out on the coffee table in my living room next to a box of tissues, were some porn magazines and DVDs I’d forgotten about and left out from the night before. This nice woman hasn’t even looked at me since that night even though we sit near each other in class every day.” It took only that one incident to open Brent’s eyes to one of the con­sequences of his porn use: that a real woman with whom he might want to start a relationship had become turned off to him, not just sexually, but with who he was as a person. Even knowing this, Brent didn’t give up porn right away—he simply decided to hide it better when there was a chance he’d be bringing someone home.

Brent’s response is completely understandable because when any-

thing brings us pleasure, we don’t want to give it up. No one wants to stop doing something that is fun and exciting, that makes them feel better. Unfortunately, many of the things we do in life that promise or deliver instant pleasure also cause pain, or will eventually. All too often, however, because of our desire not to give up our quick pleasure fixes, we don’t see their dangerous side effects, or if we do, we are likely to look the other way when they stare us in the face.

Alcohol is a good example of something pleasurable that may end up causing some people serious consequences. Many of us enjoy a glass of wine, a beer, or a mixed drink now and then. It tastes good, helps us unwind, and can take the chill out of a cold evening or a cold conversa­tion. Like porn, alcohol is easy to obtain, comes in various flavors and strengths, and may be consumed privately or in more social settings. We also have a hard time avoiding it. Alcohol ads are everywhere encourag­ing us to drink, and alcoholic beverages are available in many venues.

But if we start imbibing regularly, we may start to notice that drink­ing alcohol produces some unpleasant side effects. One too many and our speech may start to slur or we may say something stupid in a con­versation. Our judgment may become impaired and we may lose motor control, causing us to forget things, stumble when we try to walk, and be unable to drive our own car. Chronic alcohol abuse can negatively affect our ability to follow through on family, job, or social responsibilities, and it can tear apart an intimate relationship. In extreme cases, when some­one becomes a hardened drinker, they may find themselves with serious physical problems such as liver disease, sexual problems, or addiction — related chemical dependency. They may also find themselves in jail for driving while under the influence.

But that cold bottle of beer or glass of wine can be hard to give up when we’ve become accustomed to it. Many people have built drinking into their daily routines and menu choices—a cocktail every day after work, and a beer with a slice of pizza or a hot dog. When we are faced with the realization that alcohol is causing problems, it’s easy and natural to rationalize our use and deny the problem. Eventually, however, if we continue to ignore what’s really going on, the problems compound and become increasingly difficult to tune out.

When you’re a porn user, you’re likely to have similar experiences of ignoring the problem and then rationalizing your use and denying the consequences. At first all you may see are the positive things porn brings to your life. Subconsciously, you may have an inkling that your behavior might cause trouble down the road, but when you’re having fun right here right now, it’s hard to consider what could be waiting for you around the bend.

But as with alcohol, eventually porn use can cause problems and get out of hand. At that point, it becomes more difficult to hide our prob­lems from ourselves or anyone close to us, no matter how hard we try. For most porn users we’ve talked to, eventually things get out of control. Unfortunately, most porn users are unaware of how destructive their behavior really is until they’re already deep into the porn trap. By then the damage is done.

Rob, forty-three years old, had masturbated to porn every day since he was fourteen. He provides a good example of how oblivious we can be about the consequences of our porn actions. He told us, “Porn didn’t appear dangerous like other ‘bad habits.’ With gambling, you eventu­ally run out of money. With drug use you eventually degenerate, can’t function, and become physically ill. Porn didn’t impair my driving or do things like that. I didn’t see it as consequential. There were limited physical side effects. So porn didn’t concern me. I wasn’t worried about it. When my life began to fall apart because of my porn habit, no one saw it coming—least of all me.”

In this chapter, we will identify the most common problems caused by adult porn use, explain why these problems can be so difficult to see, and discuss the ways porn users rationalize their behavior even after they real­ize porn is causing them trouble. Through the stories of porn users and those who have stopped using porn because of its negative consequences, we hope to help you get a better understanding of how porn use can cause serious physical, emotional, relationship, sexual, and career problems.

Updated: 06.11.2015 — 19:55