■ Efforts to communicate with sexual partners are often hin­dered by yes/no questions, which encourage limited replies. Effective alternatives include open-ended and either/or questions. ■ Self-disclosure can make it easier for a partner to communi­cate her or his own needs. Sharing fantasies, beginning with mild desires, can be a particularly valuable kind of exchange. ■ […]

■ Ingredients often present in a lasting love relationship include self-acceptance, acceptance of one’s partner, appre­ciation of one another, commitment, good communication, realistic expectations, shared interests, equality in decision making, and the ability to face conflict effectively. ■ Variety is often an important ingredient of enjoyable sex in a long-term relationship. For some couples, however, […]

■ The way we form attachments, which has its roots in infancy, greatly affects how we relate to loved partners. ■ Securely attached children, who learn that parents are a source of security and trust, demonstrate much greater social competence than insecurely attached children, who are classified as either anxious-ambivalent or avoidant. ■ Attachment styles […]

A person who feels personally attacked or victimized by a partner’s criticism or con­tempt is likely to respond with defensiveness. This involves constructing a defense rather than attempting to discuss and resolve an issue. Defensiveness can take the form of self-protective responses, such as making excuses, denying responsibility, or reply­ing with a criticism of one’s […]

From his observations of hundreds of couples, Gottman also identified destructive communication tactics. These tactics include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stone­walling, and belligerence. Criticism As described earlier, criticism is different from complaining. Criticism that involves expression of contempt and denigration can harm a relationship. In contrast, com­plaining can be healthy because it allows expression of frustration […]

Even happily paired couples occasionally butt heads on certain issues, and Gottman’s research suggests that some degree of conflict is actually essential to the long-term hap­piness of a relationship. While studying couples’ interaction patterns and reported levels of satisfaction over time, Gottman and his colleagues made a rather startling discovery. Couples in the early stages […]

Gottman identified a number of constructive communication tactics. These tactics include leveling and editing, validating, and volatile dialogue. Leveling and Editing Leveling involves stating our thoughts and feelings clearly, simply, and honestly—pref­erably while using "I" language. For example, Tyler is distressed because his partner, Emily, seldom initiates sex. Tyler might say, "I love having sex […]

What does research reveal about the communication patterns in successful, satisfying, long-lasting relationships versus the communication patterns in unhappy relationships that usually fail in the long run? The most informative research on communication pat­terns in relationships has been conducted by psychologist John Gottman and his col­leagues (Gottman, 1994; Gottman & Silver, 2000; Gottman et al., […]

Touch is a powerful vehicle for nonverbal sexual communication between lovers. Hands can convey special messages. For example, reaching out and drawing your partner closer can indicate your readiness for more intimate contact. In the early stages of a relation­ship, touch can also be used to express a desire to become closer. When I meet […]

Social psychologists and communication specialists have much to say about personal space. The essence of this idea is that we tend to maintain different distances between ourselves and the people with whom we have contact, depending on our relationship (actual or desired) to them. The intimate space to which we admit close friends and lovers […]